Thursday, February 25, 2010

Channeling her uterus...

Do you know why you have a uterus?

Well of course, there's the whole child bearing thing. We'll call that the no-brainer use. However, that is a relatively short lived use of it if you're covering the whole life span. Which, of course, I always include the entire life span...

First of all, you should know that your uterus is integral in locating things.

Surely you've noticed this? Studmuffin and I used to joke about him "looking everywhere" for something and still being unable to find it. Of course, I think part of the problem with men being unable to locate things comes from their method of searching. It involves standing. And turning around in a circle. When that technique fails, they throw in one last ditch effort to find the elusive item: They hold their hands up in the air, palms open, and wait for it to fall from the sky. When this does not reveal the location of the missing item, they are at complete loss of where to find it.

The reality is, that we as women have an unfair advantage in locating missing items over men. God gave us a uterus. Yep, you may be unaware of it, but when you are finding that missing set of keys, or the lost tennis shoe, or even the scarf that has to be worn with the hat that goes with the mittens, because they are all turquoise and you simply canNOT wear a brown hat with this ensemble....You are channeling your uterus. Thankfully, we don't have to consciously seek out the connection. It is just there. And it is beautiful.

The second little know purpose of your uterus is multi-tasking. We all know that women are better at multi-tasking than men. We have all just taken it for granted all these years that women know, without being told, that it is possible to run the dishwasher, washing machine, and even run the vacuum at the same time. Revolutionary!

Here's a little aside for you, Gentle Reader: I made a slip up the other day at work. Nothing big. Nothing patient related. But, it was a goof nonetheless. I was explaining what happened, and it was mentioned that I was talking while in the middle of writing the note. One of my (male) coworkers said, "OH! You were talking. You were trying to do too many things at once." Then we all died laughing. Because, seriously. Anyone who spends 30 seconds with me understands that talking does not interfere with any task I'm doing. Otherwise I would never get anything done! That is a sad, true statement....

The third use for your uterus is one of the most mysterious, and yet most cherished qualities about us as women: It allows us to change our minds. Not only can we change our minds, but we can do it whenever we want. With no real reason or purpose. The mind is changed. There is no unchanging the mind once it is changed. Unless of course the uterus deems it. Then, of course, the mind will promptly be reverted to it's original plan or opinion. It is truly a beautiful phenomena, Dear Reader. Just beautiful...

Well, I can hear the question forming in many of your minds as you read this revolutionary post: What about women who have had a hysterectomy? Well, there is really only one good answer to that question, Gentle Reader. We may not like the answer, but if we search our souls, you will know it to be true: They go crazy.

Yep, their whole world go kaplooey...

Okay, I'm totally kidding about that, but I will take this opportunity to give you totally unsolicited medical advice. Any men who cringe at "female" stuff should stop and run right now.

Go ahead, you can leave...We all know you don't want to hear this anyway....

Alright, now that the boys are gone, here's the thing. Many women suffer form uterine fibroids. These fibroids cause much pain and discomfort for women. Many doctors will advise you to have a hysterectomy due to the blood loss and pain you are suffering. Before you take this drastic step, please ask about uterine fibroid embolization. This is a minimally invasive procedure where a doctor goes in and cuts off blood supply to the fibroids, thereby eliminating them. Follow this link to learn more. Just hear my on this: You get to keep your uterus.

And we have already established the beauty of that...

Monday night we had a banquet to attend at church. I forgot to remind Studmuffin to put the tickets in his billfold before he left for work. I was meeting them at the church since I was coming directly from work. Well, I remembered to call him on my way home to be sure he had them...

Sure enough, he didn't. The got back in his truck and went home to grab them.

Where he couldn't find them.

Despite me saying exactly where they were.

He went in the bedroom to see if they were maybe on the dresser...

Bookworm found them and brought them to him...

They were where I had said, but of course, he was determined that she had an unfair advantage over him....

Yep.

Her uterus.

4 comments:

Jaime Kubik said...

I have told my husband several times it is a good thing he didn't become a detective because he couldn't find his butt with a map and both hands!! Too funny! thank you for the laugh!

Southern Gal said...

And all this time I thought it was just the men in my house who can't find their thumbs on their hands...

Dawn said...

Bookworm is so responsible! Of course!

Sarah Castor said...

HAHA! I love my Uterus! Lol!