Thursday, April 8, 2010

Bend...and SNAP!

I had an epiphany on the differences between men and women...

I know. You are already sitting at your computer, in utter fascination, awaiting this ground breaking news....

Well, hold on to your laptops ladies because this one is a shocker.

Men do not hold their stomach in.

Shocking, I know.

How did I learn this mind boggling fact?

Well, it all started with me mentioning holding my stomach in. Because, you know I hold it in.

All the time.

Belly button in, abdominals lifted up and in toward the rib cage...

As in, if I'm awake, and standing upright in any way shape or form, my tummy is being sucked in. Often even when I'm sitting. It all started my freshman year of high school when my friend Jennifer said, "You know, if you suck your stomach in all the time, you will have a flat stomach."

Oh, Gentle Reader, that statement was life changing. Hold my stomach in? That's all I gotta do to have a flat stomach? I am totally there.

So, 20 years later, I'm still holding that stomach in.

Unfortunately, it's not as flat as it once was.


I really just lack the discipline to get it that flat again. Well, that and my love for late night salsa binges is probably not helping either.

BUT!!! This blog is about how I discovered that men don't hold their guts in.

Studmuffin was surprised to learn I hold my stomach in. "Even in front of me?"

"ESPECIALLY in front of you!" I exclaimed. "There is no way I'm even going to strut my stuff without my gut held in and my shoulders back. No way."

"Huh! I never even thought of that."

"Wait a minute. You mean, when we are doing our evening getting ready for bed, teeth brushing thing.... the time of night when you are eyeballing and eyebrow waggling, insinuating and ogling, you are just standing there, flatulent and letting it all hang out?"

"Of course!"

And that's when it hit me. Men are totally different than women. I would never, repeat NEVER walk by him fully clothed with my stomach pooching out, much less right before bedtime!

It brings to mind the scene in Legally Blonde where she demonstrates the "Bend....and Snap." You accidentally drop something. Bend at the waste (no back saving crouching here, ladies) to retrieve your dropped item, then SNAP to an upright stance with your back arched and shoulders back, dropped item held strategically held to your, well, your tah-tah's for lack of a better word.

Okay, there is a better word, but don't you like the word tah-tah's? Kind of like ta-dah!! There they are!

Oh, phooey. I'm just not sure you get the full image. I decided to just look it up on YouTube and post it for your viewing pleasure.

So. Skip the offer of a cold beverage and neck massage. Get that 83% return on an invitation to dinner!

Bend....and snap!


Anonymous said...

Ha! My husband is like that too. He could care less about his body and I am always fretting about mine! Yet, he is fine with mine. So weird. Good, but weird.

Dawn said...

We had a similar conversation last night--L. admiring himself in the mirror, saying man, I'm hot, etc, etc,... and I said, Women never say those things. We look at ourselves and are like, Man, my tatas are saggy and I have stretch marks, etc,...

LB's Sewing Sanity said...

Oh my Goodness...thanks for the laugh this morning!
Do yourself a favor, close your eyes, inhale / exhale, don't even think about holding it in and remind yourself how beautiful you really are!

Happy Friday!

(for the record, I hold it in too, now if only I could get my ta'tah's to stand up again too)!!

Jaime Kubik said...

I read your blog title and IMMEDIATELY thought Legally Blonde! Such a great and funny post!! Great way to start the day!

Screwed Up Texan said...

I discovered tummy tucker jeans at Walmart. Now my pants sucks my gut in for more having to remember to do it myself.

Freckled Hen said...

My husband eats big plates of cheese and puts three servings of butter on each fluffy white breaded roll he eats. He puts lots of sugar in his tea and never says no to having seconds. And I suck in my gut 24/7? Even when I have that bad gas pocket that makes it painful (I have a salsa problem, too).
You're funny!
And I suppose I have to admit after watching Legally B I tried the bend and snap behind closed doors. What a dork!

mindy@thesuburbanlife said...

I discovered something equally surprising and somewhat disturbing recently. My husband does suck his stomach private. I caught him in the bathroom mirror admiring his own physique, while sucking it in. I haven't been able to get that image out of my mind. Blech. :)