Thursday, April 28, 2011

My Child is Nothing Like Me

Nothing at all...

That is why this post is so shocking!

Because I never cut Willis's hair on the bus when I was in 2nd grade.  And even if I did, it would have been because he was annoying and the older girl that got on at the last stop (who suffered from the dreaded disease hay fever and I was pretty sure that was a fate worse than death) told me to.  She was cool and quirky and lived with her grandparents and she was at the exalted age of at least 4th grade.  You can imagine the honor bestowed upon me when her exalted self sat next to me...

So Willis, for whatever reason, annoyed us.  I have no idea why, because in reflection I can only think of nice things about Willis...However, this cool older girl may have felt a hair cut would put him in his place.  And she may have decided that I was her perfect scapegoat.

She may have even brought her school scissors on the bus the next day...

And perhaps she could even have POSSIBLY convinced me to cut a big hunk out of the back of his hair, clear to the scalp...

Poor Willis.  I have no idea what the poor little guy could have done to incite our wrath...But he suffered mightily.

And if that would have ever happened to him (because I'm not saying I would have ever done such a shallow thing), let me assure you that he never ratted on me.

Clearly, I was a walk the line sort of child who never crossed even a little pinky toe over the rule barrier.

That is why it was completely inconceivable to the principal that I would punch Randy in the nose and bloody it during Red Rover...

But it wasn't my fault!

Here's how it REALLY went down:  We were playing Red Rover.  I had to hold Michael's (or was it Travis's?) hand...Whoever it was, the boy was my "boyfriend."  You know the scenario:  Do you love me?  Will you go out with me?  Check yes, no or maybe.  I checked "maybe" a lot...Perhaps because I needed to keep my suitors on a string, or perhaps because I didn't want to be responsible for broken hearts...Surely it was the broken heart thing.  I had LOTS of boyfriends in grade school...Only we never spoke or looked at each other or really even acknowledged each other's existence.  And we certainly never held hands!

Oh, the horror when I got called over and Michael/Travis/Jason held tight and I had to then stand next to them and hold hands...

That dumb boy Randy got such a kick out of mocking us about holding hands that I just pulled back and whopped him right in the nose...

Side Note:  My brother had taught me how to throw a real punch just the day before, as he noticed I was "hitting like a girl."  Thanks to David I was able to pull my arm back properly and throw my weight from the shoulder.  It was all fresh in my mind, you see.  Again, I am clearly lacking in any real fault in this whole sordid tale.

Randy was not as nice as Willis.  He was a tattle tale.  He went straight over to Mrs. Wyand and told her that I punched him in the nose.  Of course, she refused to let us all work it out on the playground.   I was pretty sure we could all just shake hands and apologize.  I mean, I was totally willing to forgive Randy's bratty behavior if he would just apologize for teasing me...

 But NoooOOOOoooo!  She insisted we go see the principal Mr. Heaton.  Mr. Heaton asked for Randy's side of the story which went like this:  I have no idea why she punched me.  She just did it.

Boys just aren't good at details.

Mr. Heaton then asked for my side of the tale, which went like this:  We were playing Red Rover.  I got called over and was caught.  He was teasing me for holding Michael/Travis/Jason/Shance's hand.  I told him to stop teasing me, but he just kept doing it.  I got mad and didn't know what else to do, so I just punched him in the nose!

Apparently my story seemed more believable to the honorable Mr. Heaton...

Randy got a spanking that day.

And I got off without so much as detention!

Gentle Reader, is that not wrong on so many levels it is not even funny?  Except it really is kinda funny...In a totally wrong sort of way, mind you!

Life lesson learned: Speak the truth and it will go well for you.  This lesson served me particularly well after I got my license and realized that the speed limit is really only a suggestion (click here to read all about that.)

Now that you've had the back story, I'm sure you will find it completely unbelievable that any child of mine would be called to the Principal's office for stabbing a child with a pencil on the bus. 

Only they called the wrong daughter to the office.  It seems that the little boy involved got his story mixed up and ratted out the wrong child, who then had to rat out her sister!

I learned about this little scenario as I walked into church Wednesday night from one of the teachers at school.

Teacher:  So, how is child who will remain unnamed? (we will call her Betty for the sake of this post)
Me:  Why?  Oh, you mean the Land Run thing?  Well, Brent took her home to get a change of clothes so he was a hero today.
Teacher:  No....(Long pause)  Apparently she stabbed a boy with a pencil on the bus.
Me:  WHAT!!!!
Teacher:  Well, I had (How about Veronica for another alias?  I love Archie!!!  Unless one is talking about their new stance on a certain topic that we will not get into on this post) Veronica in class today and she got called to the office.  She was gone for a little bit, came back, sat at her desk and a few minutes later had a hysterical meltdown.  I called her in the hall to talk, and apparently Betty stabbed a boy with a pencil on the bus.  Only he got confused and thought it was Veronica.  She was upset because she got called to the Principal's office, and then really upset because she had to tattle on her sister!  I told her that if Betty did it, then she needed to get in trouble....

I went straight to the choir room and sent Studmuffin a text:  Ask Betty about stabbing a boy with a pencil on the bus.  You see, Gentle Reader, we were having dress rehearsal for our Good Friday service and I was NOT waiting two hours to get home and find out what went down!

He replied that apparently the little boy was calling another child "gay."  The little boy being teased started crying.  Betty decided to seek vengeance (at the behest of an older girl) and stabbed him with a pencil.  He claims he had to go to the hospital to get the lead out, but for whatever reason, he didn't go to the principal with it for a few months...And according to my little innocent lambs there wasn't even lead in the pencil so he's obviously a liar...

And, my precious little angels proclaim that he KNEW that Betty did it, not Veronica, but he just wanted to get little miss perfect in trouble!

Strangely, I've heard nothing more of the stabbing incident.

But I did get to see the guilty child weep and hug her sister and apologize profusely for getting her sent to the office...And I got to see the innocent child (who had not mentioned a word of this to anyone, and wasn't going to) hug her sister,weeping right along with her, say "I'm just glad you didn't get kicked out of school!"

Me too, dear child.  Me too.

Tune in tomorrow to learn all about my visits to the office in high school!  

8 comments:

The Accidental Housewife said...

Oh, I too most definitely didn't cut the back of Jed's hair in kindy, resulting in a retaliatory attack on my fringe the morning of the school photo...

And I DEFINITELY didn't try to strangle Sam because he was hogging the monkey bars in primary school.... He didn't dob. He did take me to my school formal in year ten though ;)

Your girls sound lovely, honest and moral. I'm sure you are justifiably very proud!

Sarah (Castor) Kamolz said...

I don't care who you are! That's just funny! Jacob and I are so glad you blog these funny stories!

Jen said...

I love your sense of humor and your story-telling!

Freckled Hen said...

Wow, you were really bad! But I suppose in the kind of Anne of Green Gables kind of way...like a victim of circumstance.
Sorry about your girls but how sweet they feel so protective of each other.

Megan said...

When my sister and I were about 5 or 6 we beat up the "neighborhood terror." Of course, our older brother told us exactly what to do and how to do it (p.s. this was not the "bad" brother). But, really this kid had it coming, annoying doesn't begin to describe it.

Andi said...

Megan, I beat up my boy cousins every stinkin' time I saw them...Not because they were bad, but because I could! Yes, I was truly awful.

Dawn said...

Random question of the day--Why are there so many 'bad' brothers???

Randy said...

Hahaha!! I remember it like it was yesterday. I can fill in the merky details for you, and fill your readers in on a little secret. First, to clarify the merkiness (if that's even a word), it was definitely Michael. Second, to fill your readers in, Andrea's mom worked for the school. So needless to say, I was at a disadvantage from the start. But, I guess I deserved it. Lol!