Saturday, June 4, 2011

How to Get Free Lunch. Or, How to Endure Public Embarrassment.

1.  Go to Red Robin, eager for a burger and bottomless fries.

2.  Switch seats with your daughter midway through the meal.

3.  Tear your black leggings on a piece of metal sticking out from a drop down table.

4.  Inform your waitress of the problem, so she can remove/repair the table.

5.  Blush furiously as the manager rushes over and asks what he can do to help, and try to deflect him to just "taking care of the table," and plan to go to Target to replace the torn leggings.

6.  Be pleasantly surprised to learn that the manager took $13.48 off of your tab.  You will perhaps experience some curiosity about this amount, as it is not the cost of your meal.

7.  Lengthen your purse strap REALLY far.  Glowing white skin shows ridiculously well through a three inch tear in black leggings.

8.  Stand and strategically position the purse over the hole and keep it firmly in place as you skulk back to the car.  Surely no one will notice your stiff legged, purse clamped to thigh walk.

9.  Try to badger your husband into going in, buying leggings for you, and then plan to stealthily change in the car. 

10.  After your knight in shining armor informs you his armor isn't particularly shiny that day resign yourself to maintaining the purse charade as you go into Target.

11.  Surprisingly notice that the leggings are on clearance for $13.48.  iPhones are amazing, no?

12.  Be sad that they do not have the right color (olive green and an unfortunate shade of brown will not work for your tunic).

13.  Keep your purse firmly in place as you buy a July 4th tank, a lovely cranberry red oxford shirt, and two pairs of flip flops...for yourself.  Oh, and a dress that is just too cute, and you will perhaps buy it on impulse without trying it on, as there is a line about 15 people long for the dressing room, and surely it will fit, it's the size you always buy!

14.  Spend an exorbitant amount of money and scold yourself for ever entering Target.

15.  Go to the car and pull off your tunic shirt (camisole underneath, of course) and pull the adorable new dress over your head.

16.  Realize the zipper must be stuck, as you can't seem to zip it.

17.  Employ your daughter's help.

18.  Sigh in frustration that the material is OBVIOUSLY bunched since she is also unable to zip it.

19.  Ask your handsome strong husband to help you.  (Even if his armor is tarnished, surely he can handle a mere zipper!)

20.  Suffer your second episode of humiliation in one day as you realize that you are "too muscular" to zip the dress around your ribs.  (Really, did he think "muscular" would make you feel better?)

21.  Yank off the dress.

22.  Drag your tunic back over your head and silently curse your curly frizzy hair, which is surely to blame for this whole debacle.

23.  Walk right back into Target, dress and receipt firmly in your left hand, and purse clutched to your right leg...

24.  Return the dress, walk out with cash.

25.  You may hear your husband say, "Babe, you look disappointed" . 

26.  Smile and say "I'm fine."  (Because you are clearly NOT having any body image issues today.  Certainly the dress was made freakishly small.  Clearly.)

27.  Continue your purse clutched tightly to your thigh stiff legged walk through Academy as your daughter hunts for the perfect flip flops (which could NOT be found in Target.)  By the way, she had broken her one pair earlier that day.

28.  Joyfully pay $5.60 after taxes for the exact size, color and style of flip flop as the aforementioned broken one from this morning.

29.  Go home minus the few groceries you had originally planned to grab. 

30.  Dr. Pepper is surely not essential to life anyway.

31.  I think.


Kira said...

WOW~ do you think the manager looked up the cost of leggings and that's why he gave you the exact amount off that a pair of leggings costs? That's crazy.

Loved this list and I can so empathize with the Target dress. Target clothes always make me feel fat. That's why I shop at Shopko. At Target I'm an extra large, but at Shopko I'm a medium. That's good enough for me.

Thanks for visiting my blog and for the comment today! I just love the Lumberjack's Wife and she was really sweet to mention me. Have a great day!

Megan said...

I tried on a pair of really cute capri pants at Target a few weeks ago in size 8 (I'm carrying a few extra holiday pounds...from the last 6 Thanksgivings and Christmases). Anyway, they were too small, and a size 8 should have fit! I put them back on the rack, and pouted as I walked away.

Givinya De Elba said...

Oh Andi, so sad! Amazed at the manager though - he actually looked up the price of a pair of leggings so he could take that much off your tab? How did he know that you would go to Target, specifically? Insane.

Andi said...

Givinya: I think I said, "I'll just run over to Target and get a new pair" in my brushing furiously, let's just move on dialogue...

Crazy Sister said...

You clearly have a Restaurant Curse.