Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I have a conundrum.....

Don't you just love that word? It makes me feel smart and verbose and well read....But, seriously, I have a conundrum....

Since we moved to Oklahoma I've struggled with guilt. And not just from my mother! I know! Shocking! I've struggled with guilt related to church. When we first joined our church it was hard to see where they had a need for me, where any of these women who've been together since practically birth would need a new friend, or where I would make friends....I struggled...

So, now time has passed. I'm making friends, but not as intimate as my friends in Texas. I realize that will take time, and part of it is my being willing to be vulnerable to them. I hesitate to call them, because they all seem so busy, and to have so many friends that I can't see where they would possibly need me. Have you realized I have a need to be needed? Hence, the career in nursing...I'm sure I've got some sort of diagnosis to go with this need along with a medication, but I'm quite content with my neuroses at this point. Thank you very much.

Now for the involvement thing...Maybe you need some background for me. You're getting it whether you need it or not. In Arlington I was in choir and heavily involved in MOPS. I was a small group leader, and if you've never done that it's hard to realize the level of commitment it requires. In La Vernia I taught preschool Sunday school, led ladies Bible study on Tuesday mornings, helped with children's church on Wednesday nights, and had a moms support group in my house once a month. And through all of this I worked. Only 2 days a week, but still, I worked.

Act 3: Move to Oklahoma. Where everyone seems VERY involved in our church. That is a great thing, truly it is. But, for someone who needs to be needed, I wasn't sure I was needed. *Boy, that was a grammatically ugly sentence! Again, time has passed....Now, I'm in choir. I help with youth choir and drama on Sunday evenings. I attend ladies Bible study on Wednesday mornings, and I'm serving on the ladies ministry team. I work 2 days a week. I'm going to start picking up most Fridays, so that will put me at 3 days a week. I know to many of you that is heaven. All I can say to you is, I'm sorry you have to work more. Really I am. I recommend everyone be a nurse so you can have flexible hours like me. Oh, and let's not forget my Devotional Divas group. But we only meet once a month, and let me tell you, I'm not giving up my girls night for nuthin'!

So, here I am, wondering why the heck I fretted about not being involved enough. Yet, I'm feeling guilty for not teaching Sunday school. At the same time I'm questioning "Do I really have to go to church every Sunday evening? What about Wednesday evening Bible study (pastor lead), do I really need to go then? It's not like I'm not spending time in church. I'm there 4 hours on Sunday and 4 hours on Wednesday by the time I eat there and have choir that night. Then, I wonder what the heck is wrong with me? I am not doing enough....

I know I'm being tedious here...I'm annoying myself. On one hand I feel tired and busy and overwhelmed, and on the other hand it feels like I can never do too much for God, because look what he does for me! Can anyone relate? Does anyone feel my pain? Or am I just being a pain with my whining?

Really, I need no response to this. I'm praying about it. Seriously praying about it. I know He'll give me answers and peace. I know that it's not about what others think I should do, but what God has planned for me to do. I want to be in his will. I know he probably hasn't asked me to do a million things, like I feel the need to do...He's asking me to do the thing He wants me to do and to do it for Him, not me.

So, there's my conundrum...I'll let you know what The Boss tells me. I am telling you this, though. I'm not going to church tonight. Even though that means I have to cook, which I don't mind, but then I'll have to clean. But, I haven't seen Studmuffin all week except in passing, and to say goodnight, roll over and start snoring...So, I'm spending time with him until time for choir. Yep, I'm rebelling tonight, and no one can stop me....

5 comments:

Sarah Castor said...

So.... I ready that and don't have anything to say.... but if I am here this weekend then I would love to come see you guys. Molly might come friday, but we aren't sure and if she come I think I was going to go back to woodward saturday night and be back sunday night but if she doesn't come then I think i was going to go to alva saturday for the day and I could come Sunday! I will let you know what is going on!

Dawn said...

Sarah's comment sounded like some of your statements--rambling! Her second sentence had 51 words!!!

Hey--black moods, indecision hits--then goes away--poof.

And I could never be a nurse even if I only had to work two days a week cause there is too much one on one time with strangers. And icky body parts. And icky body fluids. And did I mention icky body parts?????? And talking for ever to a stranger--not me. I like my strangers one hour at a time, then they leave. Hmmm I've almost written a post!

Anonymous said...

Listen to these words of a wise woman. One of the greatest services we can do for God is: Taking care of the wonderful family that he has given to you.

Becky said...

I agree with anonymous... family first. If you feel as if you are spending enough time with them then do more. But if its always not now honey I need to finish...(something) then you are doing enough. However that is just my antisocial, homebody, loner opinion. :-)

Becky said...

OH, I visited your mom's blog. She is adorable!