Saturday, March 28, 2009

Hale the Conquering Hero!

I know you perceive me as a brave, no fear sort of gal, don't you? Don't you? Right? No doubt about it, I'm one fearless gal, right? Right? Hellooooo?.....Oookaay....I'll take your silence as a nod of agreement, not of disbelief in my delusions.....

Well, based on your previous understanding of my stalwart personality, I hope you won't too disappointed to learn that.....I used to be deathly afraid of spiders.

I blame my parents, really....After all, everything that is remotely wrong with me falls firmly on the doorstep of my parents. That's the way life is, right? I know that as the mother, any screw up I make is sure to scar my children for life. That is why I have striven for perfection in motherhood as I have with all things such as housekeeping, finances, cooking, exercise, time in the Word....Oh wait! That's not me! That's my fantasy alter ego! Never mind! Back to reality...

My reality is a cluttered house, finances far from Dave Ramsey's system, and cooking that is on again off again. And exercise...though I love it....well, I seem to be placing it on the back burner lately, and the bathroom scale is screaming at me to get off my duff (I think the family hearing impairment is blocking that voice fairly well). My time with God is as sketchy as everything else in my life seems to be. And my parenting? Forget about it...Please, Lord, don't let my children be scarred for every stupid mistake I make, or they will be in therapy for years!

So, after that long ramble totally off the subject, we will return to my fear of spiders, which truly is my parents fault.....You don't believe me? Well, just listen to this!

We had a major wolf spider infestation when I was in high school. The were predominantly in my bedroom. I would beg my parents to hire an exterminator, to bomb the house...anything, but they did not hear my pleas. Even when they came from my bedroom with me standing on my bed shrieking because a giant spider, the size of a mouse just ran across my floor....They would simply roll their eyes, kill the spider and go on about their life. They blamed me for my spider infestation...They said if I would clean all of the junk out of my closets and under my bed, the spiders wouldn't have a place to nest, and would move on....I did these things, and the infestation remained..........

Studmuffin and I were dating at this time. We were sitting on the floor watching TV in the living room, when a giant, fuzzy looking wolf spider started across the floor... My hero sprang into action.

But what is this?

Oh no!

YIKES!!!

His weapon of choice was the wrong weapon! He was about to pound it with a shoe!

"NOOOOOOO!!!!" I screamed as the shoe came crashing down on the spider, and the atrocity happened...

Hundreds...no thousands, possibly MILLIONS of baby spiders went flying across the living room floor in all directions as they sought safety from the shoe of death!

You see, dear reader, wolf spiders actually carry their young on their bellies for awhile after being born. So, you must always snatch the entire creature up with a tissue (more like 20, just in case they can, by some miracle, bite through the tissue...better safe than sorry) then run shuddering and whimpering to the toilet where you will quickly through it in and flush the toilet no less than 3 times to assure that the horrible harbinger of fright will not find it's way back out of the toilet and back into your home. Then, you will collapse on the side of the tub where you will rock yourself back and forth, singing lullabies to yourself, and sobbing. Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, in through the nose, out the mouth....At last calm will be achieved, and you will be able to return to your day.

It was a very long time before Studmuffin ever sat on the floor in my parents house again....

Oh! And my parents, of course, sprayed for spiders after Studmuffin shared his tale of horror to them. Apparently, he is a completely reliable source of wisdom, whereas I was a source of drama and over reaction.....*Hmpf*

Well, my spider phobia remained for years following this experience of terror....but this post is already entirely too long, so I will finish my tale tomorrow! Be sure and tune in! It is a tale of terror, a tale of bravery, and well, of course, a tale that shows me to be the complete drama queen and over reactor that my parents claimed I was.....

2 comments:

Dawn said...

you were very patient to wait to flush three times at mom and dad's seeing as how the toilet fills so s-l-o-w-l-y!

Marilyn said...

Oh baby, guess what, I killed a spider this morning as I gathered wood from the pile to burn. I probably burned the babies!!!!!