Tuesday, February 16, 2010

How to Perform the Heimlech Maneuver

Did you know I've actually had to rescue Popcorn from choking 4 times?

That's right, four times...

I will spare you the details of the first three, and skip to our most recent event...

The Setting: A Mexican Restaurant
The Cast of Characters:

My Father-in-law aka Tom
Mother-in-law aka Scotty
Bookworm as herself
Popcorn as herself
Studmuffin as himself
Me as, well, myself (duh)
Waitress
Manager

Restaurant is full of diners. It is a Friday night.

Seating arrangements: We are seated at a booth. Popcorn is sitting on the outside edge with Tom next to her, and Scotty on the inside. We are, obviously, seated across, with Studmuffin on the outside, then me, then Bookworm.

Opening scene: The waitress is delivering our food. Well, actually she is delivering my food, because she forgot to put in my order when she put in everyone else's and did not realize it until she had passed out all the food, and I had nuthin'...

Waitress: Here's your food ma'am. So sorry about the delay. Is there anything else I can bring you?

Studmuffin: Well, we still need those napkins. And refills for our drinks, please?

I cast my gaze across the table, seeing if there is anything else we need... I do a double take at Popcorn.

Me: Are you choking?

Popcorn: No verbal response here, she is clutching her throat, and is a scary red...

Waitress: OH MY GOSH!!! SHE IS REALLY CHOKING!!

Studmuffin is already attempting to get up, so I can help her...However, unbeknownst to me, his feet were crossed under the table, and when he went to stand, his foot got caught on the pedestal. In my mind he is S.L.O.W.L.Y. getting up. I try to gently nudge him out of the way. He continues to piddle around, so I nudged him again...Just a little nudge mind you. Certainly not a big enough nudge to result in him flying out of the booth and collapsing onto the floor. Oh, and it might be helpful, for your visual purposes to know that he still had his arm in an immobilizer...

I climbed over the top of him, and grabbed Popcorn out of the booth. I positioned her for the first abdominal thrust...

For some strange reason, when I thrust up, my feet tried to fly out from under me...

She continued to choke...

I thrust up again, and again, my feet start sliding all over the place. I can barely maintain my balance, and yet poor Popcorn's feet are flying up behind me at the same time...

Finally, after what felt like 10 minutes, but was actually only maybe 5 thrusts, it came out...

A piece of cheese enchilada. Apparently, the reason it took so much to get out was because it would start to come out after my thrust, and then she would try to gasp for air and suck it right back down!!!

I swiftly walked her to the bathroom to try and compose both her and myself. We cried. We laughed. We hugged...

We returned to the table a few minutes later, and this is the conversation that followed.

Bookworm: Mom, you should NOT have thrown Dad on the floor like that! He could have hurt his shoulder!

Me: I didn't throw him on the floor. He fell.

Studmuffin: Nope. My foot was caught and you shoved me out of the booth and onto the floor.

Me: Oh. Well, I'm sorry, but Popcorn couldn't breathe! I had to help her! (I was a tad embarrassed at the thought of throwing my one-armed husband onto the floor in a crowded restaurant.)

Studmuffin: You should have seen yourself. You were jerking Popcorn around like a rag doll, and you kept almost falling down...

Me: Yeah. What was up with that? My feet were skidding all over the place. I think this floor must need mopped. I think it's greasy or something.

Studmuffin: You knocked a glass of water off of the table when you were grabbing her. Your feet were slipping in a puddle on the floor....

So, just in case you don't get the full picture, here it was: I would do an upward thrust. My feet would fly to the side and her feet would slip behind her and end up between my legs. Kind of like those dances where the man slides the lady between his legs, only she was facing away from me. I would drag her back to standing, reposition her, do an upward thrust, and the whole process would repeat. My feet would slide our spread eagle, and her feet would fly underneath me... In addition to this, the enchilada had actually tried to come out 3 different times, but she would suck it back in when she tried to gasp for breath. I could not see this, but the question I now have is this: Why didn't anyone grab the food after that happened the first time, so she wouldn't suck it back in...

Of course, for all I know Studmuffin hadn't been able to drag himself off of the floor yet...And my in-laws were in complete shock over the spectacle I was making of myself... And the restaurant manager was standing next to the waitress, huddled in the corner behind me. Watching the entire scene in horror...But again, this is all in my peripheral vision, and my perceptions are clouded by the sheer adrenalin that was pumping through me...

Me: So. Do you think anyone was watching us?

Studmuffin, outright laughing at me now: Babe. Seriously? All conversation and motion stopped when you started jerking our poor daughter around like a rag doll. Yes. I think it's safe to say that EVERYONE was watching.

Me: Dang................... Now. I wonder if they would heat up my food? I'm starving...

And I proceeded to eat every bite of food on my plate. And so did Popcorn. If that gal isn't a nurse in the making, I don't know what is!

8 comments:

Dawn said...

How do you bear the excitement?

Jaime Kubik said...

Great post! You painted quite the word picture!! I'm sure everyone would be staring -- and rightly so! Just glad your daughter is safe. (How scary! I've basically jumped over a table when i thought one of my boys was choking -- no mother is waiting to be polite when her baby's life is at stake!!)

thelumberjackswife said...

Oh, choking is my worst fear!!!! Glad she was okay!

Aim said...

Andi, So glad Popcorn is ok... What a frightening experience! I remember when my daughter was 2 and got choked on a piece of bread.. Had a similar experience knocking the waitress out of my way. The was filling our drinks and was leaning in between Rach and I... I moved her with the grace of a bulldozer!

如此的 said...

喜樂的心是健康良藥,憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。........................................

Getting My Words Out said...

Yours is one of the few blogs I've found that I want to read every post all the way back to the beginning--which will take me a while since I've just found you!!

Have I stumbled upon a new stand up comedian?? You're HILARIOUS--not so much just your stories, but your delivery is GENIUS!! I was just about to fall out of my chair laughing out loud (seriously) at this post---OF A CHILD CHOKING!!!

Keep 'em coming!
:D

Crazy Sister said...

Oh dear! Oh dear oh dear, what a memory.

Lana said...

My first read of this story and it was hilarious!