A Letter to Olay

Dear Olay,

I love you. I love the smell of you. Did you know that is what initially led to my love affair with you? It's true. A few years ago when I started to notice that the Grand Canyon started to develop on my forehead as the result of a hideous sunburn I received in my mid 20s, I decided I could do with some firming cream...

I remembered that Grandma Irene used you. I remembered watching her spread your pink creaminess on her soft face, and I loved to kiss her cheek just after using you... I loved the smell of that cheek, and I loved my grandma, and I determined that when I got old I was going to use you so I could be a wonderful grandma, and beautiful, and then I would smell beautiful too...

Only I discovered "old" was relative...Plus, I had decided to emulate Grandma Irene not only on her choice of beauty products, but on her determination to never have gray hair until the age of 80...I was determined to fight every sign of aging within my power...From wiry curly gray hairs that are determined to stick straight up off of my head, to craters developing in my forehead...

I decided to try you, back in the day when you were still "Oil of Olay." Only now, you have decided that having "Oil" in your name hinted at sliminess and blackheadiness, and all sorts of unsightliness, so you changed your name...

But I have remained faithful to you, my beloved. I have purchased you with diligence and regularity...

Only now, as I age even more, I'm beginning to depend even more heavily on you, my beloved soft smelling pink creamy friend...I have expanded from using you sparingly on my forehead and eye area, to covering my entire face...And now my neck. Should I have lavished you there sooner? Would that have stopped the wrinkles that appear like the folds of the Saggy Baggy Elephant if I turn my head?

And now I have even begun to generously apply you to my chest...When did that skin lose it's firm freckliness? It has instead become freckled and wrinkled...

Sigh...

So, last night as I lavishly spread you onto my cratered forehead, my crows feet eyes, and my Saggy Baggy Elephant neck, then down to my freckly, wrinkly chest, I began to ponder...

What other areas do I need to expand your use too? What about that crazy fold of skin on my elbow? The unfortunate dimple-age on my upper thighs? Will you firm up the loose skin on my abdomen that has stretched to carry two babies? Will you halt the progression of "game show contestant flap" on my upper arms? Your lovely little jar proclaims you to be "night firming cream." Will you firm up other areas of my body as well as my face? Should I perhaps forsake the Jergens Ultra Healing lotion that I currently use as it is the only lotion that does not cause hives to appear all over my body, and begin to fill my bathtub with you and soak in you every night for at least 45 minutes before turning in?

You see, you are definitely my beloved cream. I will remain faithful to you. I will never leave you nor forsake you, and may my skin deal with me ever so severely if I ever do...

I just need to know if I need to buy stock so that I can perhaps reap a profit from the giant vats I'm foreseeing in my future to control the aging process...