I Had A Breakdown in Homeland

Today I went to Homeland to do my coupon shopping.

I had already spent too much money at Walmart.

Because we have animals and our pet food bill is ridiculous.  Note to self:  If one wants to save money do NOT buy a dog that will be close to be eighty pounds.  Not to mention the three cats.  Can anyone tell me WHY I have three cats at my house?  Oliver is CERTAINLY enough cat for four people.

And these "kittens" want to be held all of the time.  Literally.  And they are really no longer kittens, but will be forever be the "kittens" because it's like when you have a dozen kids, the last few are the "little girls." 

Not that I have or WANT a dozen kids, but I had a friend growing up who was the youngest of seven.  She and her two closest sisters were all within three years of each other.  The entire family called them the "little girls" even when they were reaching six feet tall...

But that is a total rabbit chase, and I don't even know what I was typing about.  Excuse me while I  go back and review this post and try to decipher where I went wrong...

Oh yes!  Grocery shopping.  I had just left Walmart where I had spent too much money on pet food.  And secretly wondered about not feeding my cats so they would learn to hunt for their food and thus rid the neighborhood of all unwanted vermin...However, that probably wouldn't work as Oliver is only fed 1/2 cup of food per day and he still weighs 18 pounds.  I'm guessing he's convinced another family that he belongs to them while I'm at work.  The tramp.

I walked into Homeland armed with my list and my coupons, prepared to conquer the store...

All of their Valentine's candy and baked goods were half off.  Did you know that I did not receive chocolate for Christmas or Valentine's?  Did you know I don't keep sweets at the house because I find that if sweets are at the house I eat them?  However, if I receive them as gifts, then they are totally guilt free!  Anyhoo.  I was feeling deprived.  So I promptly threw in a bag of snack sized Snickers (the very best size to have), a bag of Dove Dark Chocolate Promises (I keep them in my locker at work), a bag of some sort of almond toffee chocolate candy that I'd never heard of, and last but not least a dozen chocolate cupcakes with pink and red frosting and "Be Mine" Valentine picks in them...

I left the grocery store with a total bill of $23.85.

Guess what?  $9.62 of that bill was on crap.  That's right.  Nearly half of my bill was spent on empty calories that are sure to go straight to my thighs.

Speaking of my thighs: 

Popcorn had an "un"birthday party this past weekend.  (Remember Alice in Wonderland?  "A very merry unbirthday to you?"  That is what one celebrates when one's parents are unable to let you celebrate your birthday for two months following the actual event.)  I had to accept failure as a Betty Crocker wannabe and buy a cheesecake.  Of course, upon buying the cheesecake I realized it cost only a few dollars more than it does to make one from scratch.  And that is just wrong somehow.

On Saturday afternoon, Popcorn wanted a piece of cheesecake for a snack.  She offered for me to sit and have a piece with her.

"I do NOT need to eat cheesecake,"  I said as I went to brew a good strong cup of coffee to enjoy with my treat.

"Why?  Are you on a diet," she asked as she began to pull two plates out of the cabinet.

"No.  I don't believe in diets.  Are you saying you think I SHOULD be on a diet?"  You see, I'm an equal opportunity guilt employer.  I have absolutely no compunction about throwing random guilt darts at unsuspecting family members.

"No!  Of course not!"

"That's what I thought."  And we joyously dug into our slices of cheesecake.  But I made her eat part of mine..."Help save me from some excess jiggle in my wiggle."

Which made me think of a conversation I had at work yesterday.  By the way, please pardon me as I complain for a moment.  I worked 12 hours on Monday with no sustenance but a banana, an orange and a container of Greek Yogurt.  Oh, yes!  I also had a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos because one of my coworkers knows my need for comfort food on late nights...I worked 11 hours yesterday with no lunch break whatsoever.  I did go and scarf down three tablespoons of peanut butter in a moment of rebellion.  It was either do that or punch someone in the face, and I decided that taking three minutes to throw some food in my face was a better plan.

Two reps were there to do a case with my doctor, and I was needing to ask him a question about a case we were about to do.  Somehow we got on the topic of coffee.  They were talking about cutting back on coffee.  I said, "Yeah, I've considered cutting back on coffee, but I get cranky just thinking about it and then I go brew myself a second cup just for good measure."

They both laughed like I wasn't serious or something like that.

But I was.

Speaking of coffee:

Have you made this Blueberry Coffee Cake yet?

If not, I have to INSIST that you simply must do it double quick.  I have made three already this week.  It's doctor appreciation week, and I made one for Tuesday when we had planned to have a feast of order out food but instead were too busy to even eat.  It turns out that most people made time to go back and shove some cake in their face.  We are reattempting the feast tomorrow, so I made it again today.  However, my girls begged me to make one for home too.

Because, returning to the original topic of this post, we are obviously quite deficient on sweets in this house.

Excuse me.  I feel the need to go do some Just Dance with the Wii to burn some jiggle out of my wiggle.

Happy hump day!