How to Patch Jeans

Popcorn has worn the right knee out of all but 2 pairs of jeans. At first, I was ignoring it...You know, small holes are easy to ignore...But, then they became large holes, and that was NOT so easy to ignore. I commented on it to my mom a few times in hopes that she would offer to get in the car, come to my house and patch them. She didn't take the hint.

Okay, I'm going to digress here for a minute. I used to pretend I liked to sew. I thought it was something I needed to be able to do and do well in order to be a good mommy. You see, my mommy sewed, and she was a great mommy. My oldest sister sewed for her kids and she is a wonderful mommy. Therefore, I thought I needed to sew in order to be a wonderful mommy. (BTW, my other sister is a wonderful mommy too, but her kids are the same age as mine, so she didn't give me any preconceived notions of how mommies should be. Don't you wish she'd get a blog so you could learn about all of the wonderfulness of her family? Me too.) So, I had this idea I should sew.

A few things anyone who doesn't know about sewing might want to know in order to understand the complete LAUGHABILITY (hey, I made up a new word! And it works so well!) of me enjoying sewing. Did you know sewing requires patience? Did you know that it requires precision, and attention to detail? Did you know that I DO NOT in any way, shape or form enjoy any of these things?

So, now I'm liberated. I realize I do not enjoy sewing and I refuse to feel guilty about it. I enjoy other things...Things that give me instant gratification, require little patience, and can usually be eaten. My children appreciate this, believe me. We love cooking in this house.

Wednesday I gave up on my mom patching Popcorn's jeans. I considered buying new jeans. That seems so pointless. The next size up is too big. Her current size is really almost too small. I threw that idea out the window.

I came up with a wonderful system for patching jeans. Would you like to learn? GREAT!!! I knew you would.

How to Patch Your Child's Jeans Because You Are Too Tight to Buy New Ones

1. Try to convince your mother to patch them for you. She will do it properly. It will last. AND, this is easier for you.
   
2. After this fails, go to Walmart.
3. Find the perfect mirrors for your master bath for $29. Buy 2 with the Christmas money you've been saving.
4. Find a cute warm up suit. The bottoms are 9 bucks, as well as the matching jacket. You've been needing new workout gear since yours is circa before two kids. Buy these with your Christmas money as well.
5. Do a happy little jig because this year you refused to buy groceries with your share of the cash. Try to ignore the jiggly you notice with the jig. That's what #4 is for.
   
6. Buy some grapefruit. They've been really good this year! (Maybe it will help with #5?)
   
7. Finally make your way to the sewing notions (after looking at some lipstick, then giving up because they no longer make the color you used to wear, yet you continue to carry the empty tube to, just in case you can find it and can't remember the name.)
8. Find the wonderfully simple fabric glue. Throw this in your cart. Unfortunately you will end up using Christmas money for all of the purchases, because it's too much hassle to separate out "yours" and "the family's" stuff.
9. Go home......Obviously!!!
10. Check your blog.
11. Look at the jeans you need to patch. Cut off the excess thread.
12. Vacuum your floors. This is suddenly VITALLY important, and you must do it now!
13. Find an old pair of jeans that neither kid can fit in, already has stains and has been previously patched (by the mother who now seems unable to patch jeans, even though she is 400 miles closer.) These will make perfect patches!
14. Decide you better sort through those bills and make sure they're all caught up! You would hate to lead your family into debt because you were so wrapped up in patching jeans you forgot to pay them!
15. What sort of patch will you make? Hearts? Flowers? Stars? Will you use the fabric paint that you found in your closet, yet have no idea where it came from? This is all so much to think about. You may decide this needs some extra thought. Maybe even stimulants.
    
16. Brew a pot of coffee....The better to think with.
17. Hey! All Star Workouts is on! Better get that new warm up suit on and give it a try!
    
18. Back to the jeans...Hold the heart you have cut out to the knee of your pants. This may look a little obvious. So, you may need to cut out additional cute little hearts to trail down the opposite leg so that it looks more natural.
19. Maybe at this point it's time to call your best friend in Arlington. Sadly, you've been playing phone tag with her since after Christmas, but today you may actually catch her and hear all about her precious boys and the joys of potty training child #3.
20. At last it is time to glue your patch in place. The glue is water soluble until dry, and the jeans should not be washed for 24 hours. It's also fun to apply some fabric glitter glue at this stage to jazz things up a bit.
    

Now it's time to show your child their wonderful patched pants and bask in the joy and adoration of your youngest child who is never ready to part with her clothes...Especially because parting with clothes means replacing them, and that means shopping...a chore she enjoys as much as you enjoy sewing.

Now. Wasn't that fun?