Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I Can't Find My Glasses

Beware: If you still have delusions of my ladylike mannerisms, please disregard the following post...


You're still here!

Goody. I have a fabulous tale to tell you...

The year was 1996. Possibly 1995. I do know it was during basketball season the winter before Studmuffin and I got married. By this point in our relationship, I had developed the pattern of following him around. After the summer spent together in 1995, I was utterly unable to stay away from him. I had scrambled for scholarships and transfer of financial aid, and moved to go to school with him. Of course, he then graduated college, married me, and drug me to Texas.

Where I cried and made him promise he'd move me home to the farm "some day." I have yet to experience that "some day" but I'm not giving up hope!!!

Anyway, back to our tale. It was about 1995. I had transferred colleges to be with my honey. My car was giving me trouble, and so I opted to ride home with him for the weekend. I'm not sure exactly why we were going out of our way through the town of Woodward, but nonetheless we were...

I was apparently having some allergy issues. At least, that is my excuse.

Not that I remember ever suffering from allergies before the fall of 2008, after we moved back to Oklahoma.

But, surely. It MUST have been allergies.

Why else would have I ever exhibited such behavior?

You see, I had some serious sinus drainage. Studmuffin, being a typical man, did not have any tissues.

Not even a napkin.

Forget that... I'd have settled for a sock!

However, he had nothing to help my precarious condition. The snot was so out of control, that it went from being sniffed up my nose, to trickling onto my upper lip...

I sniffed.

I snorted.

I had the unfortunate end result of sniffling endlessly...

I had a big ole hocker, and I had no place to spit it...

No problem. I'm a farm girl. My dad did not neglect his duties as a father on the farm....I knew how to spit out the window in a desperate situation.

And I did.

After spitting the big loogy out the window, I flipped down the visor and looked in the mirror to check my hair.

Because, ya know, it would have been a travesty for my curls to be mussed after spitting it out the window...

Something looked strange.


"Where are my glasses?"

Studmuffin: Did you wear your glasses today?

Me: Yes.... Didn't I? I don't have my contacts in. I think I would have had a headache if I didn't have my glasses on all day.

Studmuffin: I don't remember seeing you wear them today.

Me: Huh....

And, I will spare you the details of the remainder of our conversation. We reviewed where I had been that day, and did I possibly leave them certain places, and after much deliberation, we came to the unfortunate conclusion that my glasses were now lying somewhere on the highway, shattered into a million pieces.

Well, I wasn't exactly convinced they were in a million pieces. I felt we should go back, and drive VERY slowly down the road in the approximate the vicinity that I felt the urge to spit and try and catch a glimpse of my glasses...Because perhaps the lenses might be intact. Or the frames...Any little piece that may be salvaged...

Studmuffin disagreed and refused to turn around and scavenge.

So. I lost my glasses.

And I had to tell my parents.

So, in typical Andi who can't keep a secret, and if you have something uncomfortable to say, just get it off your chest and get it over with, I told my mom the second I saw her.

At the regional basketball play offs at the high school I graduated from.

Yep. I marched up those stairs to the upper section where my parents were sitting with their friends, plopped down next to my mom, and spilled the entire woeful tale...

Did I remind you that my mom is severely hearing impaired? You know it was not possible to share my humiliation with her in a quiet, subdued voice. No. I had to speak in a clear, firm voice so she could hear me properly.

Because, clearly. There was never going to be a better time than in a gym packed with literally thousands of people, with all of the people I've grown up with sitting around me, to hear my sad story.

But, it was off my chest. And I felt better.

If slightly humiliated.


Dawn said...

So you lost your glasses on the road spitting a loogy and dad lost his in the lake jumping after a three dollar hat. Life father, like daughter!

Anonymous said...

Smooth move, Andi! :)

Paulette said...

Yuck! And I can empathize with you and the allergy problem. I suffer from them horribly, well if I do not take injections and oral medication.

Bruno Hill said...

A friend's Mom was looking for her glasses one day, and was scolding her daughter for using her glasses and not placing it back on her table. Her Mom had been searching around the house, only to find out that her glasses were on top of her head. LOL. Lost glasses are sometimes not lost, but just around hanging. Hehehe!