Lost at Sea

Okay, not really.

But I feel that way.

I know you would NEVER have guessed this about me, but I'm about to reveal a Deep. Dark. Secret.

I'm a planner.

Aren't you surprised? (not) From the menu, to the budget, to housework, even down to what we will eat on our weekend at the lake.... I plan.

Planny planny plan plan!

Guess what? I just got a big ole kink thrown in all of my plans!

I have a sick child. Now, I'm not at liberty to reveal the details of this illness, as the child in question is embarrassed by any illness, and while this is not a serious illness, it is one that takes some time to get over...

An unknown time.

As in, could be days. Could be weeks. Definitely months for full recovery back to the cartwheeling down the grocery store aisles self...

So. I'm at home for the rest of the week. I initially started a post that was going to be funny and sarcastic about what I would do with all of this time at home. After all, I've always aspired to be a trophy wife, so this is the perfect opportunity to pretend to be one...

I found myself utterly unable to be silly or sarcastic or lighthearted.

Isn't it amazing how we all fulfill certain roles? Funny, sarcastic, lighthearted has always been my role. Others may disagree, but that's always been the role I've felt cast in. Of course, the sarcasm is frequently directed at myself. It's funnier that way, you see. Anyhoo, I found myself unable to fulfill the role I play, even if it's a role that I have found tiresome at times, and downright resentful of at times also. Because honestly, there have been times when I just want to say "Well, I don't' feel like telling a funny story today. I don't feel like making you feel better. Deal with it. Move on. Good bye."

Aren't I such a nice person on the inside?

So. Here I am. No plans. Unable to make any extended plans.

In fact, I'm unable to even complete tasks I start today. I'm just wandering around, starting stuff, shifting things from one place to another, and feeling lost...

Hating that!

Every praise song is making me weep. Every verse of scripture is pointing a big finger at me. God is speaking to me. I'm listening.

(But I don't want to)

Yes, God, I know that You know the plans You have for me. Plans to prosper me and not harm me. Plans full of hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) You see, I like the plans I had for myself right now. So, if You could just sort of tweak your plan to better fit my plan, I'd like that a whole lot. Okay?

OKAY!

How about Psalm 20:4? You will give me the desire of my heart and make all my plans succeed? I like this verse! Can we just take it out of context for a minute and pretend that this is all this verse is about, and not bringing glory to You, with all that You have given me, but rather just fulfilling the plans that I want?

No?

Well. Oooookay then. I guess I will remember that You have a plan. It's a good plan. A plan that stands firm forever according to Psalm 33:11. I guess if it's going to stand that long, You know what You're doing...

*sigh*

Confession: I'm still not doing so hot with this not knowing the plan thing.

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD'S purpose that prevails.

Maybe that one makes me feel better. I'll try to soften up to this whole "You have a plan, You know what it is, and I should trust You."

But really.

Is it too much to be given a concrete time frame? Two weeks? 12 Days? How long?

You see, I have a budget that will now need tweaking. Coworkers who are working short...

And, a child who is letting me hold her on my lap and read the entire Diary of... series by Doreen Cronin, when that hasn't happened in a L.O.N.G time..

So, I guess I'll try to savor this moment...

But since I've decided to sit back and savor...I just want to know how long the moment will last. You see, being the planner that You created me to be, I'm pretty sure I will be able to savor it all the more if I have a slightly more precise time line...

And yes, I see that you have directed my thoughts to Matthew 6. I know You clothe the lilies of the field. I know You provide food for the birds, and surely I'm worth more to You than flowers or birds!

So, I will try not to worry as it is abundantly clear that it will get me nowhere. I will try to face the worries of today, as they are big enough for me to handle.

But I won't be very good at it!

Ecclesiastes 3
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.