Monday, November 22, 2010

Creepiness and This Post Involves Discussion of Body Parts

Today is a day of random thoughts.

I will share them as best as I can keep up with them.

My doctor was 90 minutes late for work. When he got there, I immediately gave him a game plan, and asked about adding on more cases. I felt as if he was going to be somehow annoyed that we would be there 3 hours longer than planned, even though he was late. I felt the need to explain. Have any of you had to sit through my explanations? Let me apologize for that.

He said to no one in particular "she's not even letting me talk." I blushed and replied, "Sorry, too much caffeine with only a piece of banana bread for food. I'm jittery." Then I fear I launched into an explanation of my symptoms.

Which he didn't need.

Did you know that one time he asked me to work a patient up really quick for him, and I outright said, "No. I need food and I'm not doing one more case until I get some peanut butter in me." To say he was surprised and speechless is a slight understatement. He has since made a point to never let me get to hungry, and he makes sure everyone working with me knows, "Make sure Andi gets some food. She gets cranky when she's hungry."

One of my patients was positive for cocaine and pot. He was using a toothbrush to scratch his itchy skin.

Another patient told me I was pretty when he first saw me. I blushed, said "thanks" in a strangled laugh, uncomfortable voice and tried to move on. He stared. I asked if he was hurting, "No. My nurse on the floor gave me some ativan and pain medicine and I'm feeling pretty loose right now. But, don't worry, I won't fall asleep with a beautiful woman next to me."

And he stared.

And I got hot and sweaty and blushed and ran off.

Did I say he was only 44?

Please, by all that is good and holy, any men that are reading this, never comment on a nurse's appearance until you are well into your 70s. At that age we will smile and flirt back, but until then it's just creepy.

When I had to assist the PA to drain fluid off of his abdomen, I refused to make eye contact with him, but instead chose to look at his swallowed 2 watermelons belly...But he still stared.

Oh. And he wasn't wearing a shirt.


Attention all men: If you are around me, I need you to wear a shirt. Because, really where am I supposed to look?

I don't let Studmuffin work in the yard without a shirt.

You realize the shirt thing only applies to public? I walked into a patient's room to take him to our department the other day, and he was stark naked except for a small towel draped like a loin cloth. He was burning up with fever, and he was miserable. "I bet you're going to make me put on clothes to go with you," he said as his wife applied a fresh cold cloth to his neck and forehead.

"Nope! But, you do have to cover up with a sheet. I'd hate to shock anyone going down the hall."

He didn't embarrass me or make me uncomfortable at all.

I have been compiling my Christmas list. Yep. I actually have one for myself! Popcorn informed me I was being selfish like she was last year.

Just a heads up: K Cups are on the list. As is an ereader, so any Amazon gift cards would be appreciated.

Speaking of body parts: One time a certain someone told me they were glad they had small breasts, as they wouldn't ever sag. I hate to tell all of you small breasted women, but whether they are big or little, when you reach a certain age, you will find yourself picking them up to put them in your bra cup. It's just a matter of whether you have to roll them up or simply scoop and place.

Just an observation I've made.

A question that I often ponder as I observe patient lives is this: When do women change to the little black shoe with the thin little lace as their only pair of shoes? Why does this happen?

Also, I need all women to pay attention and let me know what age the hair on your legs stop growing. I'm ready to begin the countdown, so please tell me double quick when you hit that milestone.

I fear it is about the same time the hair on your chin needs shaved.

So. Who knew my random thoughts were going to be all about body parts?

Certainly not me!

My brain is a scary place to be.

Now, before I can over think this and add more random gibberish, I will sign off.


Dawn said...

Or before you think more about this and chicken out on posting all of it....You do know you can't get garage sale books on an ereader??? But I want one too. And I'm so ready for the leg hair thing to cease. And was the guy hispanic? Cause, not to be racist sounding but that's who's always staring at me--never white guys.

Andi said...

He was Greek. No joke. Only he certainly wasn't a tycoon, and those words always go hand and hand in my brain!

Jen said...

This was hilarious. I had to go back to you "about me" to figure out about the doctor thing! Oh, and I'm in the same camp with sagging thing -- how I wish it wasn't true!

Marilyn said...

I certainly don't know when you can quit shaving you legs. I am not there yet but the face thing has started and I hate it. Doesn't God have a real sense of humor.

Givinya De Elba said...

Ergh, sagging. Not fair, and so unattractive when one is so large. My bra is an "over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder."

Re: BP&P Pasta - did the link in my first paragraph work for you? It takes you straight to the recipe. If that still doesn't work, here it is ... bacon, roasted pumpkin, pesto ... and pasta! Easy, and so yummy.

Givinya De Elba said...

Hey Andi, sorry about the metric, but don't worry about it. I probably should have given you my interpretation of the recipe up front - it goes like this: make SOME roasted pumpkin, cook SOME pasta, fry SOME bacon and mix them together with SOME pesto.

Always works for me! It's hardly celebrity chef cuisine, but it's good!