Friday, January 14, 2011

"You could have licked it right in front of me. I'd still eat it."

I have had a very busy week at work. Don't you just wish I'd shut up already with the work stories?

Too bad. They're all I've got right now, but if you'll hold on to your pants I'll bet you'll be glad you read this...

Or not.

Yesterday was cuh-RAZY! We were ridiculously behind. However, it was due to unforeseen circumstances in which we had multiple add on patients. Please understand, if we are adding on a patient, they need to be seen. Infected abscesses (yummy), clotted dialysis grafts, acute hemorrhaging...All of these things need seen to double quick. You also need to understand that with all of these acute problems, we have routine patients. Follow up checks on abscesses to see if they're healing, biopsies of just about anything you can think of, and so on make up a portion of what we consider "routine." Please understand that I know anyone with a mass on their lung that needs biopsied does not consider it routine. However, it is not urgent. So, if your appointment is for a routine procedure, there is a chance you will get bumped back for the more critical patient...

This is health care people! Not Burger King!

So we were busy. One sign of extreme busyness is when you are explaining to a doctor what you've done thus far, and asking what else he might need, and does he want you to call pharmacy, and does the patient need to start on their back, then be rolled to their belly...

The doctor will stop you.

"Andi. Do you think I'm going to yell at you?"

"No, but I'm not sure what you're going to need for this procedure, so I'm trying to avoid the 'look' followed by the quiet, tightly controlled voice."

He gave me a hug and told me it was going to be alright.

I've never been hugged by a doctor. I typically avoid such shenanigans as they are not appropriate, and no lady better be hugging my husband, so I never make hugging seem welcomed from male staff...

But I really needed that hug. So I hugged him right back. It turns out I was going to need all the support I could get for later on....

I was supposed to be off work by 4:30 yesterday. At 6pm I was getting the last family members of our last outpatient to come see their loved one. This particular family consisted of a wife, an unknown silent woman, and a "son." I say "son" because I later realized he was in no way their son, other than they were good friends, and the patient was old enough to be his dad, so he called my patient "dad."

Is anyone bored yet? I'm giving way too much detail here, I know....

So, I go out to the waiting room. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. And, yes, I needed to pee.

"Okay you guys can come back now."

Son: Are you married?
Me: Yes.
Son: Do you have children?
Me: Yes.
Son: Do you want more children?
Me: starting to wonder where exactly this is going, Umm, no. I'm good with two.
Son: Well, do you want to practice making more babies?

Yes, Gentle Reader. That was my reaction exactly. Stunned silence followed by profuse blushing, and this statement: "That was inappropriate." And I turned and walked out of the waiting room.

The family followed.

So did he. Drat.

Son: Do you want to go to Vegas? Do you want to get in a hot tub? Is there any chance you might be single soon? Did you know I'm a complete creep? Did you know I have no moral values, and that I am a direct reflection of what is wrong with society today?

Okay, he didn't really say those last two sentences...But he did say lots of things, things I'd rather forget...I did learn he owns a bingo hall. And that he wanted to be the one to drive my patient home so they could hit the strip clubs.


I totally ignored his existence and blushed and sweat, and was totally at loss for what to do. He kept talking. As I drove home, I realized I should have told him if he didn't stop bothering me, he had to go sit in the waiting room. Instead, I just tried to ignore him and only acknowledge the patient and his wife.

It didn't work....

Let's move on to today, shall we?

We were swamped. NOBODY got lunch.

Sadly, if nobody gets to eat, I feel better about the situation. Misery really does love company.

I had a piece of toast for breakfast at 6:30. I had two tablespoons of peanut butter at about noon, followed by a snack size Almond Joy....

Strangely, I was still hungry at about five when I rolled a patient to the dialysis clinic. Life is just full of mysteries, isn't it?

Want to know something strange and totally random? There are 3 nurses named David in dialysis. They were all working this evening...

Dave: Man, you guys have been hopping today. We have had a ton of your patients come through.
Me: I know. I don't think any of us even got lunch.
Dave #2: Hey, we have some pizza in the back.
Me: I will totally take it, but first I have to get Julie (my patient) some peanut butter and crackers. She is hungry.
Dave: Oh, the pizza is right by it.
Me: Thanks...

Only I didn't see the pizza and came out with only Julie's snack.

Dave: Where's your pizza?
Me: I didn't see it. I hope to get off soon. I'll be okay...
Dave #2: Wait. I'll get it for you.

And he brought me a piece of canadian bacon pizza with pineapple on a paper towel.

"Thank you so much. I am so hungry I don't even care if it has pineapple." I really don't care for pineapple...Another fascinating factoid that you should totally know, seeing as my husband is half Samoan.

Dave #3: I can't believe you're just eating pizza that David carried to you, and you really don't know where it came from.
Me: Dude, I am so dang hungry, you could have licked it right in front of me, and I'd STILL eat it.

And then they totally wanted to test it out, but I wouldn't let 'em. I do have standards y'know!

Instead, I walked down the hall happily scarfing down pizza before I reached my department so the other starving staff wouldn't feel worse about their lack of food, and have to be secretly bitter that I got a free piece of cold pizza with pineapple which I don't even like and I don't even know for sure where it came from.

The End. I'm off to grab my fifth piece of takeout pizza.


Dawn said...

I'm totally with you on the pizza snarfing! Who cares where it came from at some point in the day! And isn't it always so easy to decide what you should have said after you are completely out of the situation. That's so annoying!

Sarah (Castor) Kamolz said...

Haha! WOW! What a creep! Of course you can't help that you're just so dang hott! LOL! I hope you get better fed this coming week! (wink) Love you!

Marilyn said...

so why did you say you weren't married.

Andi said...

Oh good grief Mom! I mistyped that. Thanks for pointing that out. I am indeed married and said I was married and now the post reflects it...I was tired and I am silly!

Paula said...

There are many levels of ugh in this post. There is a reason I am not a nurse.

April said...

Yeah, your friend the friendly police officer would be happy to come take baby maker off your hands. FYI. ;)