I didn't always have this problem.
I blame it on nursing school.
Or, more specifically, my bowing to pressure and deciding to run for our chapter of the National Student Nurse Association President. Let's just say it lead me to understand that I NEVER want to be in management, meetings with the Dean of Nursing are not all they're cracked up to be, and that if you want to KNOW something is done, you've got to do it yourself, or nag, nag, nag to be sure it's getting done!
Now I get itchy at the thought of truly "committing" to something. Like taking call. Or agreeing to a full time position at work. I don't CARE if I'm working 32 hours, and four more makes me full time! The label FULL TIME gives me hives...
I recently started helping with our ladies ministry at church. I stated that I feel very lead to help women connect and feel welcomed in the church. I asked if I could be given the names of visitors, prospective members, or new members so that I can contact them and say "hello." I have a hard time spotting new faces since I am in the toddlers in Sunday School, and I am in choir during the welcome time.
Guess what? I am now over the Hospitality committee! YOIKS! I immediately started scratching my neck and saying, "Well, okay. I guess that's what I was wanting to do anyway. And heaven knows I can talk to strangers...Or posts...Or whatever." But actually being responsible for hospitality. That makes me a little sweaty. I totally want to do it, I just don't want to be committed to doing it...Kapeesh?
Oh, and speaking of toddlers, that class is a classic example of why I fear commitment. Studmuffin and I decided we wanted to lead an older kids Sunday school. Like 4th grade and up. Well, it was spring time of 2009 when we approached our children's minister with this, and she said that she had a spot coming open in August, but could we fill in for the two year old class in the mean time?
Well, we are still in the preschool area. Another couple came and asked to do the 4th grade, and since they DID NOT want to do preschool, we ended up moving down to the 18-24 month class.
So. We decided to take a six month hiatus starting in September. Only our replacement ended up having knee surgery, and nobody else wanted the class, so we figured, "What's going back a few months early matter?"
A lot. Now, we are about to start a second toddler class, as our baby classes are bursting at the seams, and I am seeing no light at the end of the tunnel for some time...
By the way, if you happen to go to my church, and you read my blog, and you are looking for a place to serve, might I suggest toddlers? I happen to know a great class you can step into IMMEDIATELY. They really truly are the sweetest kids. But I am longing for an adult Sunday school class...
As you can tell, lately I've been having LOTS of commitment issues. I hesitate to agree to sleepovers because I'm tired. I balk at the thought of going out. I'm tired. I am crunching numbers, trying to figure out how I can work less. I'm tired.
Our church offered a coupon class last night. I went into it with all sorts of a crappy attitude. You see, I've found that in the past, I would never have bought the item I just got if I hadn't had a coupon. Or the off brand is still cheaper. Or the item with a coupon did not meet my nutrition standards.
Obviously, I was desperate if I was going to a class I was pretty sure was a complete waste of my time.
But go I did! And, let me tell you, the things she had to share were amazing! She went from spending $1000 per month on groceries (she has 5 kids aged 5 and under) to budgeting $250 for groceries! That includes food, toiletries, cleaners, diapers, etc.
That was pretty inspiring!
However, I am still not convinced. You see, in order to coupon, one must actually get a Sunday paper, so one can actually have coupons to clip!
Earth shattering, I know.
However, If I subscribe to the paper and fail to clip my coupons, then I will be mad at myself for wasting money on the paper!
I hate when I realize I'm not doing something well...Because then I just tend to give up! I realize that's not a pretty attitude, but it's the truth!
And, hey...I admitted to crushing on Steven Tyler, which virtually all of you found revolting, so we can all be pretty sure I'm truthful about who I am!
It is so dramatic to be me. Pity my husband.
Did you know we took a class at church to help us find our place in ministry? It was a hoot. I found out all of the wonderful things about me that I already knew... Even the things I'd like to pretend I didn't know. Some of them pretty painful...
I am a Sanguine/inspiring personality. How about I list some of the traits of that personality?
bubbly, carefree, changeable, charismatic, compassionate, childlike, expressive, extroverted, friendly, spontaneous, warm, people-centered, ...
Doesn't that sound like a wonderful person? How about I list some of the more, shall we say, ugly truths...disorganized, easily distracted, exaggerates (to that I say NEVER!!!), impulsive, impractical, restless, superficial, undisciplined,...
I also learned that while I'm really great at coming up with ideas, I lack the follow through to get them done! Hey! Lucky me, I married a melancholy/conscientious personality, and they are guhREAT at follow trough! Woot! Woot!
Confession: If I want something done, but don't particularly want to do the task I need completed (like replacing the kitchen back splash) I simply start it. I don't even have to be starting out well. You see, my husband is a SUPER perfectionist. He will take over within no time at all! He very firmly believes that if he wants something done right he better do it himself.
And while I realize many of you think that is a very sneaky tactic to take, it's really no secret around here! It drives him crazy when I start something haphazardly with a half formed plan in my brain, (which is how I start every project) so he takes over, draws out a blue print, develops a plan of action, makes forty dozen trips to the store and gets it done in twelve times the amount of time it would have taken me...
But I didn't have to do it! And to that I say, AMEN!
I also learned that people with my personality need to "learn the thinking arts of reflection and self-examination to combat their tendency to distraction, tangents, and shallowness."
Oh, how that makes me laugh...I am sooooo distracted and tangentish...And probably shallow. Shallow in the sense that in the moment of you sharing your tragic moment with me, I'm totally there with you, but I will easily forget and move on. That's probably part of me being a great nurse. I am genuinely caring about my patients and their plights. But I can easily leave it behind when I'm at home.
Another statement that was painfully dead on: Emotions are fleeting, and I's frequently experience quick reversal of feeling. They may go from sulking to elation....tend to be talkative, extreme, vivid, and emphatic.
That emotions are fleeting thing makes me think of high school. Remember the silent treatment? I was TERRIBLE at that. I would forget I wasn't "speaking to her" or I was totally bewildered how someone could ever stay mad at me! I just didn't have the stick-to-it-ivenes to harbor that anger or resentment!
Okay, so now that we've established I'm shallow, forgetful and distracted, unreliable, and easily charmed, is it any wonder that I get all itchy when expected to make a commitment?
However, if I'm lucky I can talk really fast and use my charm and exuberance to convince you to do the job I just signed up to do, and let you have the blessing of finishing it...
And I will use my extreme talkativeness to cheer you on!