Hiding in the Bathroom Stall

Time:  Freshman year of high school
Setting:  School
Cast of Characters:  Me, Loud Mouth, Nancy, and Susan

I was sitting eating lunch, chatting with my friends.  I'm pretty sure I was talking.  That's what I did/do after all.  Loud Mouth comes bursting through the cafeteria doors.  Loud Mouth was a seventh grader I think.  Either way, she's younger than me.  And she's trouble.

"Andrea, how old is Nancy?"

I looked at her flabbergasted, wondering why the heck I should know or care.  However, of course I had an answer.  I have an answer for everything!

At least I think I do.  And even if I don't have the absolutely RIGHT answer, I have a pretty good idea of the answer!  So, of course I gave her the answer that I ASSUMED to be right.  (You know what they say about assuming, right?)

"I think she's 18.  She lives with her boyfriend, so..."

"I told her she couldn't touch me because it would be assaulting a minor!"  And with that proclamation, she spun and left the cafeteria.

I wish I could say that my gut feeling was that this could not be a good thing.  However, I forgot the conversation nearly as soon as it happened.  After all, I was given to rattling off at the mouth before my brain could stop and process, and frequently I did not register the repercussions of such rattling until, well quite frankly, they were staring me in the face.

I had typing immediately following lunch. After the first bell announcing the end of lunch, I ran to the bathroom.  While I was still in the stall, I heard two girls entering, obviously upset.

"I'm going to kick her BLEEP!!!

Wow!  Somebody's in trouble.  Wonder what that's about.  And being not at all nosy, I prolonged my bathroom time to catch the scoop.

"Who the bleep does she think she is?  I am not 18, and if she keeps telling everyone that and  butting into my business I'm going to beat the bleep out of her! That bleeping little bleep."

Uh-oh.  Is that Nancy?  I hear another voice join hers.

"I know.  I'm totally with you.  Bleeping know it all."

Oh, crud.  It's Nancy AND Susan.  I was already more than a little afraid of the two of them.  I knew they were wild.  They were so far outside of my little realm that we might as well have been on different planets.  Just a few weeks before they had been showing off the bruises on their upper arms from where their mom had taken them to get Depo Provera implants so they wouldn't be teen moms.  They wore thick coal black eye liner, too heavy foundation, skin tight jeans (but it was the 90s, everyone wore tight jeans) and black leather bomber jackets. They drank.  They smoked...They were the very embodiment of my version of "bad girl."

(Oh, and guess what memory just popped into my brain?  I think their mom was a nurse!  But that little nugget is completely irrelevant to this post, unless one relates it to the fact that everyone I know who had a mom for a nurse talks about the complete lack of sympathy their mom had, and perhaps that led them to a life of brutally beating up underclassmen?)

I quietly lifted my feet up off of the floor.  And I began to try and think of an escape route...But that was impossible as it was a one way in, one way out bathroom.  I could hear hair spray being lacquered on, and they continued their conversation of the dire consequences I was going to face as soon as they got me alone.  I swear, if I hadn't been already sitting on the toilet I would totally have peed my pants.

After what felt like an eternity, and with escalating threats being tossed about considering my person and Loud Mouth, I decided to face the dragons...

I walked out of the stall and walked to the sink as if I had no idea what they were talking about.  They both stopped what they were doing and watched me.  My hands were shaking as I rolled out the paper towels..."By the way, I had no idea why Loud Mouth was asking how old you were.  She just asked and I guessed 18 because you live with your boyfriend.  Sorry." 

"Yeah, well I'm 17, so you better just learn to mind your own business or I will seriously kick your bleep!"

"Yeah.  Sure.  Yeah.  Okay.  Well.  Okay.  Sorry again.  Um...See you around!"  And for some dumb reason I think I smiled cheerfully and offered a little wave.  Maybe not.  But I'm pretty sure I did.  And I tried to calmly walk (not run like I wanted to) out of the bathroom. 

Guess what?  I saw her no less than one minute later.  You see, she had typing with me.  That was the real reason I had braved her in the bathroom.  Seeing her was going to be unavoidable!  She walked right past my desk and pounded it with her hand on the way to her typewriter.  I tried to look cool and calm, but I'm pretty sure I jumped and flinched away.

That girl got pleasure out of shooting murderous glances at me every day throughout typing for the rest of the year.  I had visions of her and Susan dragging me by my hair to the parking lot from then on.  To this day I still think of her as one of the scariest people I've ever met, and she never even laid a hand on me, and I really don't know of her ever getting in an actual fight.

The power of suggestion was enough for me.

He's Still Workin' On Me!

Remember this children's song?

It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
the sun and the moon and Jupiter and Mars.
La la la I don't remember all the words!
But He's still workin' on me.

You don't remember it?  Strange.  Especially considering how thoroughly I just described it to you!

Well, it took Bookworm just a few days to make her solar system. Her daddy used all of the self restraint he possessed and lent minimal assistance.  I assure you this was a very big challenge considering this is the same man who once declared:  We will NOT have a red back splash.  It is too much work to paint the red evenly!

And then I promised to paint the bead board.

And so he agreed...I painted maybe two square feet of primer on the bead board, and he looked at me and said:  Give me the brush.  You are not doing it evenly.

It was primer for the love of Pete!  I didn't realize it NEEDED to be even!

So, he let her do all but a small bit of the work...

And this is the result!

Oh wait!  That's not the result!  Dag nab it!  My secret it is out.  But, hey do you see the lovely little fall display I have buried next to Popcorn's jacket their on the right?  Chesney actually leaves that thing alone.  Now that the scarecrow is gone, that is.  She is quite determined to eat every scare crow she encounters.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who has a mysterious explosion of shoes, socks, jackets, lunch bags and back packs every single day.

Please?

Tell me I'm not alone.

Mind you, this is not the solar system either.  This is just an example of puppy paraphernalia strewn threw the living room while the culprits lay in blissful slumber.  I am just wondering when I lost complete control of my house.  Do you realize that when my kids were babies my house was spotless?  It was!  Truly!  I was a cleaning and cooking machine!  Every single day I mopped and ran the vacuum.  I washed dried and folded laundry promptly.  I cooked dinner nearly every single night..in fact it was usually completely prepared except for the actual cooking by 3:30 while the girls napped... and I vowed to never let my kids sully their palates with carbonated beverages, high fructose corn syrup or french fries...

I have failed in nearly all of those endeavors in the past eight years.  Of course I snapped out of the post partum depression about eight years ago...  My housework has slowly slipped down hill ever since.

Who knew post partum had an up side?

Why lookie there!  I finally got around to showing a picture of the solar system!  And nary a mess is in sight!

Who says my house is a complete and utter disaster?

Three words:  Location, angle, and sweep (as in your arm across the counter to pile all clutter against your lovely red backsplash.)

Here's another view.  If you click on the photo and enlarge it, you will see that there are two more planets than there used to be in my day.  Yep, that little tiny dwarf planet on the far right is Eris.  And the little brown dwarf planet in the asteroid belt is Ceres...And not only does Saturn have rings, but so do Jupiter, Neptune and Uranus...Uranus and Neptune's rings are made out of thin sheets of plastic she cut to fit then wrapped around the planets.  She is clever, no?

And here's the clever girl herself posing for "just one picture" before heading off to school.  Good thing this turned out as she was quite adamant about the one picture only.

She gets that from her dad's side of the family, I'm sure.

This picture is purely gratuitous.  I wonder what on earth Chesney is dreaming of?

Drama Llama

I have all sorts of things to tell you about my family. 

I can't help but notice my nine year daughter has better handwriting than I ever will.

However, apparently some children are becoming more sensitive and would be horrified if I told the story of them getting off the bus a half mile from our house and running all the way home in the 108 degree heat because they were upset about something at school, and the fact that their sister was not on the bus to comfort them as the sister had went home for a play date... The unnamed child decided she could not sit on the bus a minute longer.

Drama llama.  I'm telling you.

Popcorn has been struggling with multiplication facts, so we've been refreshing her.  They stayed with my folks last week and apparently my dad decided to spring a pop quiz on her.  "Hey, what's 9X7?"

Popcorn looked at him and said, "Now what brought THAT up?"

And Dad laughed and failed to make her give him the correct answer.

She's sneaky that way.

School has begun.  Popcorn is liking school, which I interpret as "Loving School" and she has corrected me numerous times that she only likes it.  Considering she had determined she hated fourth grade before the year even began, I'm calling liking loving.  Because I'm the mom.



Bookworm is in MIDDLE SCHOOL.  They are having a back to school dance this Friday.  WHAT???  She just turned eleven!  She is not going to no stinkin' school dances.  Luckily, none of her friends are going. And she is going to a birthday party that night.  So, I'm off the hook.

WHEW!




The kittens are settling in well, as you could tell from my last post.  They have taught Lord Fluffypants (Oliver) how to play again.  This morning as I was sitting on the back porch sipping coffee Shyla dashed after him through the grass that is embarrassingly tall...He made the impulsive decision to run up a tree.

My focusing skills are amazing, no?

You realize he's all of eighteen pounds, right?  He got about four feet up and appeared to decide he did NOT belong in trees as it was a tax on his claws.  He clumsily repositioned his super sized self and jumped down with a giant THUD.

You know it's a tad disconcerting to watch an eighteen pound tom cat pounce on a three month old kitten.  Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera as they were wrestling in the yard...

When will I learn that I can never leave me camera in the house?

Well, today is my day off.   The kids have started school, so that means that I have mountains of housework to do since they no longer have time to be my Cinderellas.  So, I'm off to get laundry done and floors cleaned and bathtubs scrubbed.

Not to be redundant:  But the kittens are clearly NEVER in the house.

What are your plans for today?

Car Conversations

Popcorn is not only highly active. She's highly talkative.

Not that I'm one to point fingers or anything, but seriously, that kid can talk...And coming from a self acknowledged chatter box that's saying something.

She is constantly making noise. It may be weird tongue actions with accompanying noises...Can you imagine "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" only hummed with your tongue waggling in and out of your mouth?

Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

Neither do I.

Anyway, she's noisy.

Studmuffin: Popcorn is like a shark. If her mouth stops moving, she will die.

Nice. Studmuffin. Nice.

And, sadly, it is too true....

On that same car trip we were discussing Bookworm and her sense of drama. One of the ladies I'm in choir with has her in class this year. She is always telling me how sweet she is, and that she just loves her....I looked over at my husband and said, "Yeah. She's quite the little suck up." And we both laughed.

Because it's true.

But that's okay. Because I am too.

I can't stand for someone to not like me.

Seriously. Everyone must like me. If I think someone doesn't like me, I make sure to be as charming as possible to them.

I need them to like me.

Even if I don't like them.

Gentle Reader, I never denied having issues....

Anyhoo, back to the car conversation.

You see, I was just like her. I made sure all of the teachers liked me. I was friendly. I was charming. I worked hard, and I made sure they knew it I made straight A's. I smiled. I was generally likable...Yep. That was me. Andi the suck up.

So, I modestly said, "Yeah. All of my teachers just loved me."

"When you were in class," Studmuffin answered. I detected a hint of sarcasm in his tone.

"What do you mean?" Sometimes I just walk right into his openings...

"You were never in class. You ditched every chance you got!"

"That's not true! I went to math and science. Y'know: The IMPORTANT classes that I actually had to be in to know what's going on...Oh, and typing. I barely squeaked by with an A in that class."

Wait!! Did I just age myself? I fear that my children do not even know what typing is...Much less a typewriter!

"Okay. So you went to math, science, and typing..." Again, Gentle Reader, I know this will distress you, but I felt nearly sure he was mocking me.

"Oh! And Spanish! I loved Spanish class!" You see, Gentle Reader, I was a responsible student! I only ditched classes that didn't matter to my future!

"How on earth did you get away with that? Why did they let you do that?"

"They didn't let me so much...I just needed a lot of bathroom breaks...And it really wasn't my fault if those bathroom breaks lead to trips to the library. I mean, what's wrong with going to the library? And, of course the library often lead to conversations with Mrs. Thrasher. I loved Mrs. Thrasher. I needed to talk to her, and keep her posted on my daily life. I'm sure her day was incomplete if I didn't visit her! And, while I was in yearbook I needed to take lots of pictures to have a good representation of the entire student body. This lead to trips to the art class. And the occasional trip through the grade school building...Where of course I had to catch up with my old teachers! So, clearly, it wasn't so much that I ditched class. That is a very strong statement. It was more a matter of I wasn't necessarily in the class I was scheduled to be in at the time I was scheduled to be there! Then, my junior or senior year, they decided that we had to have a hall pass to be out of class. And that stupid thing had my original/proclaimed destination on it. It was very challenging to make sure Mr. Mills didn't see me and say, 'Hey Jones-ey! Why aren't you in class? Let me see your hall pass.' Then he'd shake his finger at me and make me go to class...How irritating."

"Translation: You were skipping class."

"Okay. But you don't get it. The whole point is the teachers loved me. Bookworm gets that from me...."

Gentle Reader, I fear it is difficult to keep him on subject at times...

First Day of School

No, no, no! not this one! She is still in her jammies, staying home with me! The good news: She has been fever free since Wednesday about noon...Can I get a Woot! Woot!

This one is in the big 5th grade this year. I can't believe it! Oh, and she's currently mad at me for not already having her at school...Even though the doors don't even open for another 20 minutes. So, yes, I will will embrace the drama.

The Nanny Diaries

Setting: The church choir room.
Situation: I am picking the girls up from their piano lessons. My nanny's younger sister is beginning her lesson...


Me: I don't think the girls will be able to do piano the week school starts. Rachel (the nanny) starts school the week before, so she won't be able to get them here in time.

Piano teacher: That's okay. I was thinking of taking the week off anyway.

Jessica (nanny's little sister): Oh! Rachel and I already worked it out. My lesson is at 4 and the girls have 5 and 5:30 during school, so she should be able to get us all here on time.

Me: See what I mean? These kids don't even need me anymore!

Jessica: Oh yeah, and since Rachel starts school before us (she is going to a different district), I will keep the girls week after next if your husband can drop them off at our house on his way to work.

Me: AAAANNND that just clinches it. I am obviously superfluous in this situation!

Back to School

We had a successful first day of school. Bookworm found all 6 of her classes and didn't forget where her locker was. She loves school and is super glad it's back in session. We ran into some friends at drop off, so we did a group first day of school picture. My girls took it with fairly good grace, but the little one between my girls was mortified that her parents were shooting pictures and video. I got a huge kick out of it. For once it wasn't me embarrassing my girls...



Popcorn's teacher is all of 18... No I'm sure she's at least 22. But either I'm getting old, or she is really young. It's her first year teaching, and she didn't get her classroom until Monday. She was still putting up decorations during drop off. She seems really sweet and very eager. Popcorn loves her teacher and her friends, but last night she asked if I would home school her. Again. School just isn't that fun, and you have to go. Every. Single. Day. My heart bleeds kid, I'm tellin' ya...



I was going to walk Bookworm to her building after dropping off Popcorn at her room. When I came out in the hall she was standing talking to her friend from church camp who had walked her 2 younger sisters to their classes. I started walking with them, and they kept shuffling their feet, and looking at me out of the corner of their eyes as they talked, and I finally relented.

"Do you want me to leave you here, and you 2 walk to the 4th and 5th grade building by yourselves?"

"Yes!" they both replied with way too much enthusiasm for my tender sensibilities. Revenge was imminent...

"Well, remember, don't talk to strangers. Go directly to your building. Do not stop if someone pulls up next to you. Remember the code word. And remember I will never have someone pick you up that you don't know... And say please and thank you and yes ma'am and no ma'am. And wash your hands. And be kind to others...."

Bookworm was not pleased. "Moooooommmm. We are going to school. Not leaving. We're not leaving with anyone but Mrs. Teresa after school. You are so embarrassing."

Mission accomplished.

Oh. And I'm sure you noticed from the picture that I remembered to bake the annual back to school cake (I'm the only one who wants nuts.) But it wasn't decorated. Popcorn feels very cheated because no matter what grade she gets in, Bookworm will always have more candles to blow out. Them's the breaks, kid.

Oh! One more quick (or not) tale for your edification....Popcorn told Bookworm that she saw some fourth graders in the cafeteria as she was coming in. Bookworm replied, "Yeah. I saw you."

"But you didn't say hi to me!"

"I couldn't! You're not allowed to yell across the cafeteria. But I saw you GET OUT OF LINE, run to your friend Betsy, hug her, then stand and chat. Then you RAN BACK IN LINE and chatted with some other people. You are not supposed to do that either."

"Yeah, but I didn't get in trouble, so I still say you could have at least said hi to me!"

More Lies We Tell Our Children

As many of you know, we have a problem. Studmuffin & I get a huge kick out of lying to our children. Tonight we had Meet the Teacher night at school. We were leaving and we kept thinking we were hearing someone yell our youngest daughter's name. She has a name that not many have for a real name. Most people consider it a nickname, but it is her name. And it suits her.

Anyway, when we realized the person was yelling someone else's name, we continued on our way to the car after a grueling evening of fighting the crowds. Studmuffin told our oldest, "You know, we didn't know anyone with your name when we chose it. We originally planned on a completely different name for you. Your mom wanted to name you Shaneequa, but I wanted to name you Eunice. We had finally agreed on Shaneequa Eunice, but then we got into an argument about how to spell it...Shaneequa? Shaneekwa? Shawneekwa? Seaneequa? The possibilities seemed endless, and no matter how we debated, and how many polls we took at the hospital, we could not agree on a spelling. Then we thought of naming you Shaneequa Irene C., but we decided that we didn't want a child's who's initial spelled sick, so we ditched that idea too. So, after you were born, we came up with the name you have now. But we will totally change it to Eunice if that's what you want."

She looked at him as if he was slightly loony, and said she liked her name just the way it was, thank you very much.