The Struggle

I listen to the radio on my way to work. I used to listen to Alistair Begg every morning, but since my time has changed, I only hear a few minutes of him. If you've never listened to his sermons, and you have a local Christian talk radio, I recommend you try to catch him. You will be challenged.

Anyway, this week I was listening to KLOVE. Their morning show has been discussing My One Word. It's like a non-New Year's resolution. You enter into a time of prayer with God, and you decide what He wants your one word to be for the year. This will be a word that you focus on to bring you closer to God and to see Him in more things. The morning show has Lisa and Eric, and he finally shared his word Friday after offering up teasers for what his word would be. He didn't want to share it until he was absolutely certain, but he did share that it dealt with relationships.

Friday he revealed that his word was Deeper. He wanted to have deeper relationship with God, his family, and his friends. He said he realized that he was using his own insecurities to prevent him from reaching out to others...

I was immediately struck by something.

I am not allowing myself any new deep relationships. I have allowed my own insecurities to keep me from reaching out.

I had fabulous friends in Texas. The best friends of my life are in Arlington and La Vernia. I always said they took better care of me than even my family could have. They were a large group and they were through our church, and we all really looked out for each other.

I don't know why I have lived here since July of 2008, and I have failed to establish those bonds here. The only answer I can come up with is fear. I don't want to bother them. I think they are too busy for me. Most people here have lots of family close by, so I have convinced myself that they don't need more friends.

So, I don't do all of the things I did in Texas. I don't call randomly through the week, just to chat. I don't want to bother them. I am at work during the day, and I don't want to interfere with family time in the evening. I hate to take up their busy Saturday with useless chatter...I know I talk too much, and I'm hyper, and I realize that I can be overwhelming for some. So I've completely backed off.

I rarely invite people over for dinner. When we lived in La Vernia I always had company over. I had a Bible study group that met at my house monthly that doubled as a "ladies night out." I would cook an enormous amount of food, brew pots and pots of coffee and we'd stay up until all hours of the night laughing and talking. In addition to that I would try to have at least one couple over monthly for dinner. I have always loved cooking for people. I never want to eat out or carry out because I truly love fixing the big meal and sharing it with people I love.

Since we moved here I work the same amount of hours, but since I'm no longer floor nursing, my days are shorter, so I work more days. That makes me more reluctant to invite people over because I'm so dad gum tired. I don't want to go through the whole rigmarole of cleaning the house for company. I don't want to cook the big extravagant meal. I just want to collapse on the couch.

So, today I went onto facebook and I committed to going to a Sunday school class party in February. Even if it does involve volley ball...Which I am terrible at. Even if I do hate to participate in events that I can't excel at. I will make the leap and go.

I also plan to invite friends over for next Saturday night. I haven't decided who yet. Mostly it will be whoever can come. Maybe I will bite the bullet and invite several couples over and we can play a round of games. (Games I can win, mind you.) It's ridiculous that I don't do this more often. Every time I have made myself invite people over, they always come. And we have a great time...

So, after reflecting on the revelation God gave me on Friday I think that my one word for this year will be closer. I have made friends here. I just haven't made close friends. They are good friends, but I have failed to make myself vulnerable to them. I have refused to depend on them, or make myself dependant on their support. I know God wants this for me. I know he wants me to be able to call someone close by when I'm having a "I can't take it anymore day, I'm calling....to talk about it," instead of someone hundreds of miles away. I just need to make the effort instead waiting for them to come to me with a crisis.

Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever feel that you will wait for a person to be vulnerable with you so you can feel safe to be vulnerable with them? It takes a lot of courage to be real with someone. But I'm going to do it. I'm going to reach out and throw up my feelings all over the next person I meet. I'm pretty sure we will be friends forever as a result...

Don't you agree?

"You could have licked it right in front of me. I'd still eat it."

I have had a very busy week at work. Don't you just wish I'd shut up already with the work stories?

Too bad. They're all I've got right now, but if you'll hold on to your pants I'll bet you'll be glad you read this...

Or not.

Yesterday was cuh-RAZY! We were ridiculously behind. However, it was due to unforeseen circumstances in which we had multiple add on patients. Please understand, if we are adding on a patient, they need to be seen. Infected abscesses (yummy), clotted dialysis grafts, acute hemorrhaging...All of these things need seen to double quick. You also need to understand that with all of these acute problems, we have routine patients. Follow up checks on abscesses to see if they're healing, biopsies of just about anything you can think of, and so on make up a portion of what we consider "routine." Please understand that I know anyone with a mass on their lung that needs biopsied does not consider it routine. However, it is not urgent. So, if your appointment is for a routine procedure, there is a chance you will get bumped back for the more critical patient...

This is health care people! Not Burger King!

So we were busy. One sign of extreme busyness is when you are explaining to a doctor what you've done thus far, and asking what else he might need, and does he want you to call pharmacy, and does the patient need to start on their back, then be rolled to their belly...

The doctor will stop you.

"Andi. Do you think I'm going to yell at you?"

"No, but I'm not sure what you're going to need for this procedure, so I'm trying to avoid the 'look' followed by the quiet, tightly controlled voice."

He gave me a hug and told me it was going to be alright.

I've never been hugged by a doctor. I typically avoid such shenanigans as they are not appropriate, and no lady better be hugging my husband, so I never make hugging seem welcomed from male staff...

But I really needed that hug. So I hugged him right back. It turns out I was going to need all the support I could get for later on....

I was supposed to be off work by 4:30 yesterday. At 6pm I was getting the last family members of our last outpatient to come see their loved one. This particular family consisted of a wife, an unknown silent woman, and a "son." I say "son" because I later realized he was in no way their son, other than they were good friends, and the patient was old enough to be his dad, so he called my patient "dad."

Is anyone bored yet? I'm giving way too much detail here, I know....

So, I go out to the waiting room. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. And, yes, I needed to pee.

"Okay you guys can come back now."

Son: Are you married?
Me: Yes.
Son: Do you have children?
Me: Yes.
Son: Do you want more children?
Me: starting to wonder where exactly this is going, Umm, no. I'm good with two.
Son: Well, do you want to practice making more babies?




Yes, Gentle Reader. That was my reaction exactly. Stunned silence followed by profuse blushing, and this statement: "That was inappropriate." And I turned and walked out of the waiting room.

The family followed.

So did he. Drat.

Son: Do you want to go to Vegas? Do you want to get in a hot tub? Is there any chance you might be single soon? Did you know I'm a complete creep? Did you know I have no moral values, and that I am a direct reflection of what is wrong with society today?

Okay, he didn't really say those last two sentences...But he did say lots of things, things I'd rather forget...I did learn he owns a bingo hall. And that he wanted to be the one to drive my patient home so they could hit the strip clubs.

Gag.

I totally ignored his existence and blushed and sweat, and was totally at loss for what to do. He kept talking. As I drove home, I realized I should have told him if he didn't stop bothering me, he had to go sit in the waiting room. Instead, I just tried to ignore him and only acknowledge the patient and his wife.

It didn't work....

Let's move on to today, shall we?

We were swamped. NOBODY got lunch.

Sadly, if nobody gets to eat, I feel better about the situation. Misery really does love company.

I had a piece of toast for breakfast at 6:30. I had two tablespoons of peanut butter at about noon, followed by a snack size Almond Joy....

Strangely, I was still hungry at about five when I rolled a patient to the dialysis clinic. Life is just full of mysteries, isn't it?

Want to know something strange and totally random? There are 3 nurses named David in dialysis. They were all working this evening...

Dave: Man, you guys have been hopping today. We have had a ton of your patients come through.
Me: I know. I don't think any of us even got lunch.
Dave #2: Hey, we have some pizza in the back.
Me: I will totally take it, but first I have to get Julie (my patient) some peanut butter and crackers. She is hungry.
Dave: Oh, the pizza is right by it.
Me: Thanks...

Only I didn't see the pizza and came out with only Julie's snack.

Dave: Where's your pizza?
Me: I didn't see it. I hope to get off soon. I'll be okay...
Dave #2: Wait. I'll get it for you.

And he brought me a piece of canadian bacon pizza with pineapple on a paper towel.

"Thank you so much. I am so hungry I don't even care if it has pineapple." I really don't care for pineapple...Another fascinating factoid that you should totally know, seeing as my husband is half Samoan.

Dave #3: I can't believe you're just eating pizza that David carried to you, and you really don't know where it came from.
Me: Dude, I am so dang hungry, you could have licked it right in front of me, and I'd STILL eat it.

And then they totally wanted to test it out, but I wouldn't let 'em. I do have standards y'know!

Instead, I walked down the hall happily scarfing down pizza before I reached my department so the other starving staff wouldn't feel worse about their lack of food, and have to be secretly bitter that I got a free piece of cold pizza with pineapple which I don't even like and I don't even know for sure where it came from.

The End. I'm off to grab my fifth piece of takeout pizza.

We start our basketball season today. I can hardly wait. We also have tickets to the Thunder game tonight. Woot! Woot!

I am still in my pajamas.

It is 11am.

My Christmas tree is mocking me. I choose to ignore such mockery...I will shove it in a box soon, and that will be that...

Someday.

I got a new green purse last night. I heart new purses. Bookworm immediately swooped in and grabbed my old red one....What sort of purse do you carry? Is it a clutch or more of a satchel? Is it traditional and goes well with everything? Does it make a statement, or does it just quietly serve a purpose?

I feel a purse should make a statement. My favorite purses have been red, green, and yellow. Purses must also be relatively inexpensive so I can replace it on a moments notice with no guilt over the price tag. This one was a mere $19.99 at Target. Purses must be large enough to carry my entire life in, including my Nook. I have discovered my Nook needs to go nearly everywhere with me. I just started the Count of Monte Cristo. Do you realize it is over 3000 pages? That does not bode well for me...I have a short attention span. And I would never have finished it in the hard copy form, as I refuse to read books that make my arms tired. Are you shocked at my level of laziness?

Bookworm bought an accessory last night. This is a momentous occasion. She never wears anything that draws attention to her. She bought it at a kiosk in the mall, walked to a trash can, took it off it's cardboard and immediately slid it in here hair. Yes, I could have made it for 99 cents, but this is such a huge step toward growing up, that I let her buy it and wiped a tear from my eye...I fear boys are only a few steps behind! But hopefully not.



Popcorn had a gift card burning a hole in her little pocket, and she chose some accessories of her own from Claire's. She has always been the queen of accessories: Earrings, hats, scarves, bracelets, but I thought this hat and bottle cap necklace were just too precious.



And yes, I just walked in their rooms, snapped a picture and dumped it onto this here blog with no editing or multiple shots...

Isn't it great how I can't even be bothered to artfully arrange my purse, but instead just take a picture of it where it landed on the hearth? And isn't that feed scoop next to it awesome? It's tough saying which I love more! And, it is laying right where I dumped it when I carried it home. I knew I wanted it, but had no idea what to do with it, plopped it down there, and there it has stayed...

Again, please do not take examples from my laziness.

Now, I'm off to finally drink a cup of coffee today, and feed my family a quick lunch before we have to head to the gym for games...

Oh, and I'm still resolutionless, and I really don't see that changing any time soon! What about you?

Purse style, and resolutions. These are the burning questions in my brain this morning.

How We Spent Christmas

For the third year in a row we celebrated Christmas with just the four of us.

And. I. Love. It.

Here we are all dolled up ready for the candlelight Christmas Eve service...

As you can see we entered into the service with all solemnity and prayerfulness...

Surely you expected nothing less?

Christmas morning the girls slept until 7:30! I actually woke them up when I went to the garage to get out a roast and then let the dog out!

Did you know that my big brother woke me up every single Christmas morning no later than 4am to snoop in our stockings? He always insisted all the gifts had to go back in exactly how they came out. I never could understand that rule, but I knew David to be older and sneakier so I never questioned. I asked him once why he always woke me up to come peak with him. It turns out he figured he wouldn't be in trouble if his adorable baby sister was with him.

Okay. He didn't call me adorable. I added that part in. But he was totally counting on the baby of the family to keep him out of trouble. He also always sent me in to ask if we could get up yet. And Mom always said, "Nobody gets up until 5am."

So, I'd wait for what surely must have been an eternity and then I would approach Dad, again at the insistence of my brother. His answer? "Nobody gets up until 5am."

Which I thought was never going to get there! An hour is a very long time to play quietly in the dark with only the Christmas tree lights to guide you while you wait for your lazy teenage sisters and parents to drag themselves out of their cozy beds!

As you gaze around my home it is obvious we were having a relaxing, peaceful Christmas. Bookworm was so relaxed she couldn't even be bothered to get off the recliner to play Wii baseball!

Please disregard any background clutter you see. I would like to blame it on Christmas. But I won't because that is my normal. Clean but cluttered.

I always say you should never keep your house so clean that others feel the need to clean if you are dropping by. See? It's not being lazy! It's called being a good friend!

Amen.

Of course Popcorn was on her feet for the entire game. Of every game.

Oh! Did I mention Santa brought us a Wii for Christmas? That Santa is a smart guy. He knew the only way this family would move to the 21st century and actually own a gaming system was if he brought it!

I cooked dinner, and after we finished I said I was not cleaning the kitchen until I'd had a cup of coffee.

Studmuffin cleaned the kitchen.

While I had a few cups of Christmas cheer!

Just kidding. That is really only coffee, and I was supposed to be winking at my cleverness in getting my husband to clean the kitchen, which we all know is the worst part of any meal. However, I seem to look drunk.
*sigh*

After a hard day of napping, eating, playing Wii and eating some more, we all sat down to watch "Despicable Me."

We all enjoyed it. Even the dog.

And now we have plans to go to the nearest home for girls and adopt three little girls. One with a thing for unicorns, one with a permanent pink stocking hat, and one practical older girl to keep us all in line.

I need someone to keep my husband in line.

So, how was your Christmas? Calm? Restful? Frantic? Stressful? Overstuffed with food and presents? Let me know how you celebrated the birth of Our Savior this year!

Christmas Break: An Agenda

December 22nd:

Slept until 8:30, which is WAY sleeping in for me!
Breakfast: 1 cupcake & 1 piece of fudge
Did loads and loads of laundry
Lunch: package of peanut butter crackers, 1 piece of fudge
Ran to Dollar General and Braum's for groceries where I indulged in a junior scoop of German Chocolate ice cream.
Stopped to get my ring cleaned. It looks all shiny and new now.
Stopped at a junk store for the girls to buy themselves some Webkinz.
Bought a cute homemade Nativity.
Got a free planner...I love those freebie planners.
More laundry.
Cooked a fantabulous dinner with my hubby at my side. Aren't the best meals the ones thrown together off the cuff?
And, I finished this entire simply fascinating day off with a few episodes of Big Bang Theory.

December 23rd

Slept until 6:30. Both girls were up by 7am. Claimed they couldn't sleep in.
Addressed Christmas card envelopes

PLAN:
Bake cookies for the girls to take to the neighbors and carol.
Buy ink for the printer.
Buy stamps.
Read my Nook.
Drink endless cups of coffee.
Shift stuff from point A to point B so it appears I have done some work.
Wander aimlessly through the house and yard pretending to be busy.
Take a nap.

DRAT!!!

My husband just called. He left his phone at home, which is equivalent to a briefcase in the olden days of 1995. I must now get off of the couch...

Put on makeup...

Brush my teeth...

And take the darn thing to him!

So, I will hit publish on this post as is.

The best laid plans....

It's Beginning to Look a Lot LIke Christmas!!

Wednesday is my day off, get everything done that I possibly can day. It involves bill paying, grocery shopping, laundry, and cleaning. Ugh. Strangely, it doesn't really feel like a day off. Why do you suppose that is?

This Wednesday was a bit different. I had my follow up appointment for my measles titer to see if I for sure for sure had measles. I won't have those results for several days as they have to go to California for testing.

I had to finish up Christmas shopping. I was determined to finish and not be tempted to buy that one more thing I think of...

I will confess right now that I realized I never bought envelopes to mail Christmas letters. I haven't even written a letter! I've sat down and tried, and I'm completely blank. Totally, completely blank. How weird is that?

I started my marathon off at Walmart.

I needed dog and cat food and a groceries. I was determined to walk in the door, check out their ice cream cakes as Popcorn has decided this must be on the menu for her slumber party Friday, grab some stuff and go....

Then the Christmas spirit overwhelmed me, and before I knew it I bought entirely too much totally necessary to my life and future happiness stuff.





Like new cookie cutters. And wrapping paper. And a jigsaw puzzle! Because my great great grandmother's dining room table MUST have a jigsaw scattered on it during Christmas. I also clearly NEEDED to buy an adorable gingerbread village kit. Clearly. I needed it!

Oh! A cute Rudolph coloring book! Of course every new coloring book requires a brand new box of sharp pointed crayons....Oh, the smell of a newly opened box of crayons. Simple childhood times come rushing back.

Sadly, my entire Walmart visit followed this pattern. I left with some groceries, but I fear not everything I will need to get me through the Christmas season. That is what an unprepared trip to Walmart gets you!

Remember the clever cupcake scam my youngest pulled on me Tuesday night? Well, in my wanderings I found these adorable sprinkles and cupcake picks. I decided they were a must! So I bought them! Aren't they cute!




I finished my shopping in time to run by a real grocery store, buy some perishable items and dash home to throw them in the freezer and stash a few gifts before I had to get the girls.

Only I finished that 15 minutes before time to go.

So I colored a picture. That's right. I colored a picture. In a coloring book. With my brand new crayons.

It was bliss.





Then I picked up the kids, came home, scrambled to get laundry done and these cupcakes done and dinner on the table before I had to be at choir from 7-9pm.

And now I'm heading to bed.

With pink frosting smears on my kitchen floor where the dog got into the trash last night while we were asleep. SOMEBODY didn't put up the trash before we went to bed, and apparently the smell of that grilled fish that SOMEBODY didn't carry out to feed the stray animals in the back pasture was more than she could ignore.

I've decided it will still be there tomorrow.

And the day after that if I don't get to it...And that day will be Friday, and I will have a house full of little girls, so what will be the point of cleaning my floors then?

Dashing Through the Snow

Read yesterday's post for the whole story behind this nonsense!