Free as a Bird...

This forsythia bush (Mom, is this a forsythia bush? I think that's what you told me) is too big for this window. Does it need lots of sunlight, or do I dare try and transplant it to the back yard? It scratches the window, and covers the whole thing when it's green.

Did you know I have my very own Tom Sawyer? Except, of course she has a sandy blonde pony tail, and holy jeans, and muddy tennis shoes...

Yesterday was cleaning day...The girls have to dust and scoop dog poop and clean the back yard. These are the chores I had to do when I was little, so I'm pretty sure this is necessary for character building. Anyway, later on I was cleaning the grass out of my flower beds. It was sunny and 56 degrees. We spent the whole afternoon outside. We were the only ones outside on our street, the next street over, and the neighborhood up the road. I know, because we rode our bicycles, and I didn't hear anybody but us screaming at their children. Then again, maybe I'm the only redneck screaming at her kids in this area...

Oliver's doing well. He didn't come in last night. We were worried since there was a coyote literally at my back fence...He came home this morning, but he has a scratched up face. He must have been in a cat fight.

Anyway, I was cleaning out a flower bed in the back yard. Bookworm was picking up trash, and Studmuffin was noticing that he will have to redo the wiring for the pool pump for the third time. You guessed it, the author of all destruction, Holly ate it again. Popcorn made an appearance to see what she was missing out on, then took off when she saw we were all working. Never fear, Studmuffin made her clean out the cat litter, so she didn't get off too easily...Heh, heh, heh...

Here's a little part of a flower bed I hoed. My back and shoulders and hands are feeling the pain of all that weeding and hoeing yesterday!

When I was cleaning out one of my flower beds, (that I truly ever despair of anything growing in, due to Holly, the plant killer) the dogs were all over me. Kelsey caught on pretty quick that I wanted her to leave me alone. However, Holly would go from nose in my face, where I would say, "Go on!" to licking the little gap of skin between my shirt and jeans on my back...Then when I would shriek and yell, "Go on," she'd circle back to my face....Oh, and that little strip of skin? It got F.R.I.E.D....Yeah, everyone should have their first sunburn on February 27th!

Can you believe this dog? Isn't she pretty? And sweet? And obedient? She actually is all three. However, she also tends to eat every plant and dig up every bush she sees.

We learned this week that Mindy's friend from class lives one street over, and actually right across from us. Their back yard faces the same field as ours... I sent the girls over to see if they wanted to play yesterday...

I did transplant this dwarf fir. It was originally part of a pair planted on either side of Bookworm's window, flanking that forsythia, that I'm not sure is a forsythia. However, one of them died. It looked funny, so I moved it to the backyard with the thought that surely Holly won't eat a prickly fir! Umm, and, looking at the picture, I MAY have planted it a little crooked!

Guess what? Before I knew it, another little boy who also lives over there showed up. He didn't even introduce himself, he merely took a basketball and refused to share it...Three balls and 5 kids doesn't work if twerps won't share. Studmuffin went over to see what the fuss was about, and he just went home. Studmuffin didn't even say anything, he just left! Then, today, Popcorn's classmate and another kid showed up again! The girls are so excited to have "the house" again.

I've been kinda sad that we don't have kids on our street to play with. I was the Koolaide house in Texas, but after 2 days of providing for snacks and drinks, I'm remembering why I had the hard and fast rule that the girls couldn't go in other people's houses. That way, it was fair when I wouldn't let all of the neighborhood kids eat out of my refrigerator! Yes, you may play at my house all day. But you will return to your own house for meals!

On an unrelated note: Guess what else? Popcorn isn't nearly as birdlike as she thought!

She left to go to the bathroom during the invitation today at church...

Every head is bowed, and every eye is closed....

We were sitting in the balcony, and I heard feet pounding up the stairs, I peeped to see if it was her, and to be prepared to shush her. She came around the corner flapping her arms like a bird, but immediately stopped when she realized it was "every head bowed, every eye closed" time. However, she was looking at her friend Maddy and smirking as she cut through the first row of pews. A short row of pews.

That is on a step....

She forgot about the step down when she was making googly eyes at her friend, and she fell...

Not just sorta fell. She fell flat on her face fell...

I started giggling.

Uncontrollably.

Sit down, bury your face in your arms, giggling.

Tears streaming down my face, shoulders shaking, "Please God, don't let me snort," giggling...

I'll say it again...

There is NOTHING funnier than a good fall.

And no, apparently my head wasn't bowed and my eyes weren't closed!

Time Travel...

I have to ask you...

If you are a person who consistently runs late, is your time more valuable than mine? Do you know what I mean?
If you are supposed to say, show up at one o'clock, but don't in fact arrive until 1:30, secure in the knowledge that I will be at work until 2, does that make it okay? Even if on this particular day I had planned to leave a few minutes early to attend my daughter's play?

How about if you are supposed to BEGIN work at 7am, and I am coming in at 7:30. Should we even be in the locker room at the same time? Because I'm not sure, but it seems to me that unless, there is some sort of weird time warp, you shouldn't be putting on lipstick, with your purse still out and your locker open thirty minutes after your shift began.

How about meals...Do you seriously think that you are entitled to breakfast every morning at 8am, after beginning your day at not 7am, but 7:30?

And lunch. Seriously? You need lunch every day at 11:30, or you just get cranky? That's very interesting. I learned in the first 30 minutes of nursing that breaks may technically be legally required, they may not happen. I had that lesson reinforced on Tuesday when we had a meal catered for doctor appreciation day. I went in and grabbed a tortilla and threw some meat in it. I literally shoved it in my mouth as I headed to the bathroom, then went back to work...

Again, maybe you have mastered the art of time travel. Maybe you have somehow managed to add extra time to your day that does not involve patient care for things like meals and potty breaks and cigarettes. That's right. Cigarettes.

Okay, I'm done with that, but I do have to say that to any of you who consistently run late, I'm stepping onto my soap box. You being late implies that you feel your time is more important than those of us who show up when we're supposed to show up....Whether it's to work, church, parties, family dinners, or whatever...

But, moving on to a more cheery note....

My email was hacked. Every single person in my address book received an email from me with the name of a person in the subject line. Each email had a different name for the subject, and each email had a different link in it. Some of them were for male enhancement products...

Lovely...
On an even cheerier note, I went and visited Miss X today. She looked better. She is on a ventilator, but was flipping channels on tv, so I guess she feels better. We said a prayer, and she signed "thank you" to me, and seemed better all the way around...Her vitals are stable, and she will hopefully continue to improve.

Oh! One more random thing. Popcorn had a school play today. It was about a 2nd grade class visiting a Presidential Wax Museum...
Of course they had Obama. But, guess what? He was portrayed by a white boy....

Apparently there are no black boys in her grade...black girls, but not boys.

My question was, couldn't they at least have cast a hispanic? How about a Native American? This is Oklahoma for pete's sake! We DO have minorities!!

Oh, and a miracle was witnessed in the play...FDR had to hand the microphone to JFK...

And he stood up and carried it over to him!!! "BE HEALED IN THE NAME OF JE-SUS!!!"
Yep, we had a miraculous healing today....

No, my daughter didn't have any lines. However, she was super easy to spot. She was the cute girl with her pink coat tied around her waist, her right knee ripped out, a nice spot of some sort of food on the front of her red shirt, sandy-blonde hair that was combed sometime this month...Oh, and just in case you didn't pick her out based on that, she is also the one with a giant cat scratch all the way across her cheek...


Ain't she precious?

Channeling her uterus...

Do you know why you have a uterus?

Well of course, there's the whole child bearing thing. We'll call that the no-brainer use. However, that is a relatively short lived use of it if you're covering the whole life span. Which, of course, I always include the entire life span...

First of all, you should know that your uterus is integral in locating things.

Surely you've noticed this? Studmuffin and I used to joke about him "looking everywhere" for something and still being unable to find it. Of course, I think part of the problem with men being unable to locate things comes from their method of searching. It involves standing. And turning around in a circle. When that technique fails, they throw in one last ditch effort to find the elusive item: They hold their hands up in the air, palms open, and wait for it to fall from the sky. When this does not reveal the location of the missing item, they are at complete loss of where to find it.

The reality is, that we as women have an unfair advantage in locating missing items over men. God gave us a uterus. Yep, you may be unaware of it, but when you are finding that missing set of keys, or the lost tennis shoe, or even the scarf that has to be worn with the hat that goes with the mittens, because they are all turquoise and you simply canNOT wear a brown hat with this ensemble....You are channeling your uterus. Thankfully, we don't have to consciously seek out the connection. It is just there. And it is beautiful.

The second little know purpose of your uterus is multi-tasking. We all know that women are better at multi-tasking than men. We have all just taken it for granted all these years that women know, without being told, that it is possible to run the dishwasher, washing machine, and even run the vacuum at the same time. Revolutionary!

Here's a little aside for you, Gentle Reader: I made a slip up the other day at work. Nothing big. Nothing patient related. But, it was a goof nonetheless. I was explaining what happened, and it was mentioned that I was talking while in the middle of writing the note. One of my (male) coworkers said, "OH! You were talking. You were trying to do too many things at once." Then we all died laughing. Because, seriously. Anyone who spends 30 seconds with me understands that talking does not interfere with any task I'm doing. Otherwise I would never get anything done! That is a sad, true statement....

The third use for your uterus is one of the most mysterious, and yet most cherished qualities about us as women: It allows us to change our minds. Not only can we change our minds, but we can do it whenever we want. With no real reason or purpose. The mind is changed. There is no unchanging the mind once it is changed. Unless of course the uterus deems it. Then, of course, the mind will promptly be reverted to it's original plan or opinion. It is truly a beautiful phenomena, Dear Reader. Just beautiful...

Well, I can hear the question forming in many of your minds as you read this revolutionary post: What about women who have had a hysterectomy? Well, there is really only one good answer to that question, Gentle Reader. We may not like the answer, but if we search our souls, you will know it to be true: They go crazy.

Yep, their whole world go kaplooey...

Okay, I'm totally kidding about that, but I will take this opportunity to give you totally unsolicited medical advice. Any men who cringe at "female" stuff should stop and run right now.

Go ahead, you can leave...We all know you don't want to hear this anyway....

Alright, now that the boys are gone, here's the thing. Many women suffer form uterine fibroids. These fibroids cause much pain and discomfort for women. Many doctors will advise you to have a hysterectomy due to the blood loss and pain you are suffering. Before you take this drastic step, please ask about uterine fibroid embolization. This is a minimally invasive procedure where a doctor goes in and cuts off blood supply to the fibroids, thereby eliminating them. Follow this link to learn more. Just hear my on this: You get to keep your uterus.

And we have already established the beauty of that...

Monday night we had a banquet to attend at church. I forgot to remind Studmuffin to put the tickets in his billfold before he left for work. I was meeting them at the church since I was coming directly from work. Well, I remembered to call him on my way home to be sure he had them...

Sure enough, he didn't. The got back in his truck and went home to grab them.

Where he couldn't find them.

Despite me saying exactly where they were.

He went in the bedroom to see if they were maybe on the dresser...

Bookworm found them and brought them to him...

They were where I had said, but of course, he was determined that she had an unfair advantage over him....

Yep.

Her uterus.

Nursing Stuff

Today Bookworm woke up about 5:30. With a stomach bug...

About her 4th trip to the bathroom, she pointed out to me that "IT'S HURTING WORSE EVERY TIME!!!" I kind of got the idea that she felt like I could fix it. Especially when she was lying on the bathroom floor, curled in the fetal position, shaking, pale, and moaning...

Do you remember that when you were a kid? I can remember thinking that surely my mom should be able to do SOMETHING for this malady...Other than walk around spraying Lysol continuously....I gotta confess: That was exactly what I was doing, because I was showering in the hall bath when she first woke up, so her first visit was to my bathroom. Then, she came to tell me she was sick in HER bathroom, then had another episode. So, I was disinfecting my bathroom, and I ordered her to stay put unless it was to go her bed, directly to her bed, do not cross go, do not touch anything, and do not share your cooties with anyone else!

Aren't you glad your mom isn't a nurse?

Speaking of nursing, Studmuffin and I tag teamed staying home with the sickling today. He took the morning shift, then I came home about one o'clock for him to get some stuff done at work. Since I work in a procedural area, we tend to stack our mornings heavy, so if I'm going to miss part of the day, afternoons are lightest. At least, that's what we shoot for. Otherwise, we may be there late recovering patients from sedation...

Anyway, I had a frequent flyer patient today. I'll call her Miss X. Miss X comes to us AT LEAST once a month. She originally came for us to repair her dialysis fistula...There are people who have dialysis grafts that work for years and years. Then, you have the Miss X's of the world who have endless problems with them. Then, she got a kidney transplant, and we saw her to do a follow up biopsy of her transplanted kidney. Then it got an abscess. Then she had some liver failure...I keep telling her we don't give advantage miles, but she continues to come.

She is a sweet lady. She is single, but has a boyfriend who takes care of her. I've never seen any other family with her...

Today she needed some fluid drained from around her lungs, and she had a "collection of fluid surrounding her spleen" that we needed to use our CT to guide the doctor in placing the tube for drainage...

I had just finished my previous procedure (did I mention we were down 2 nurses today?) and returned him to the holding area, when my coworker handed me Miss X. She gave me a brief report, and we were off. She looked bad. Really bad....I got that weird, "this is not going to go well" feeling in my stomach that I've learned to never ignore.

I took her in, placed her on our table, hooked her up to the monitor...

Whoa! Her oxygen was only 84%. No problem, I'll bump her up...

And, alrighty, I will bump her up some more...

Okay. Her heart rate is increasing. She is now sitting at about 140. She started out around 115...

Let's try a mask. The doctor is on the phone, discussing his next case with the attending for that patient...I interrupted and voiced my concerns for her. I want him to drain her lung before we attempt the spleen, which is exact opposite of our plan. He wants to tap that fluid around her spleen, then have the PA take care of that lung. If there is fluid around her lung, that is inhibiting her breathing. I can hear her rattling from across the room....

I have the radiology tech help me put her back on the stretcher, as Miss X is now telling me the only way she can breathe is sitting up in a tripod position (leaning forward, weight on elbows) and feet dangling. She has so much fluid overload that even her feet up on the bed are placing an excess burden of fluid around her lungs...We sit her accordingly...

I have now moved her to what we call a nonrebreather. This is the maximum amount of oxygen I can give a patient, barring a c-pap, or bipap, or worse, a ventilator all of which involve machines to help push her lungs open. Her heart rate remains elevated. I see that she has received some lasix in her IV this morning, and I can tell by her catheter that she is pouring urine out. Good sign for this fluid I can hear her trying to breathe around, but not working quickly enough...

We had to cancel our procedure. I gotta say, I breathed a hallelujah. I have a relationship with Miss X. She and I had prayed when she first started spiraling down. She told me, "Thank you for praying, Andi. I know God is in control of all things."

Wow.

My eyes are tearing, just as they were as I frantically called her doctor, EKG, respiratory, bed assignments to request an ICU bed for her, and nagged my doctor to do something...

The peace her statement invokes. I know God is in control. I know He orchestrated who would be with her, and who would be in that room with me. I know He was in the room....Thank God I have such a great team, who is willing to jump in and help when they see a need. Everyone was there and ready to take action.

I eventually got orders to transfer her to the unit. I haggled with the doctor, because there were no immediate ICU beds (the ICUs have to keep one bed open for codes), and I needed orders NOW...

There is nothing worse than feeling like you are doing NOTHING when you see your patient declining, and you need to feel like you are doing SOMETHING...

Dr. T said, "Get her to the unit, that is your order."

So, I told her I was ordering an EKG...

Dr. F, her pulmonologist said, "get her to the unit, that is your order."

I nagged and eventually got an order for a stat chest xray and blood gases...

Dr. S told me "She needs the ICU. Then her doctors will write orders."

One doctor gave an order for more lasix to pull off some of the massive amount of fluids that were filling in her lungs...

I did get her to the unit.

Alive.

I gotta say, I was worried that was NOT going to be the situation for a while. I was begging for lopressor, a medication that decreases heart rate and blood pressure. At one point her pressure was 250/120...

I asked for adenosine...

Adenosine is this really cool drug that has a nano-second half life. You have to give it super fast, or it won't work...It stops the heart for just a second, and then the heart restarts. Since the half-life is so fast, it's literally just a little pause...And then, the hope is, the patient's new rhythm will be normal...

I didn't really expect them to give me the adenosine because it would not have treated her particular cause for the rapid heart rate...

You know I have dime store diagnosis, right? I think she was going septic. She had a nonexistent white blood count. She had a fever of 102. With the anti-rejection drugs she takes for her kidneys, I think her body was unable to fight off whatever was attacking her...

Here's the cycle I was desperate to stop: Temperature climbs, heart rate sky rockets, and eventually, the blood pressure tanks. To, like nonexistent tanks...

But, thankfully, God gave her a bed in the ICU before the cycle continued...

I don't know what happened to her after I turned her over to the ICU nurse. I had to come home for my sick kid. But, I work tomorrow, and I will definitely be checking on Miss X.

Do you want to know the really weird/sick thing about this whole ordeal?

I left work thinking, "I love being a nurse. WHY do I love this job? There is something seriously wrong with me to willingly do this..."

Now, I think most of you find that entire story confusing and boring. But, it's what I do. It's what I love. So, at times you will have to read about it... It purges me and helps me think about what I could have done better. Maybe I should have called a "rapid response." That would have sped things up. I should have called this, because this team is designed to help the decision process and move things along quickly...Anyway, I'm stopping now.

On a lighter note:

Studmuffin: Popcorn, why did you make a 73 on this paper? You said you're the smartest kid in class?

Popcorn: Dad, I'm not perfect!

Studmuffin: I would say not. This is 27 points away from perfect...Which would be a lot closer if you had actually finished your paper!

Popcorn: Well, I can't do everything right!

Glad to hear she's not overly burdened with that situation!

Well! Butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

Jaime over at Ditchin' the Kitchen nominated me for an award! Isn't that just too sweet?

I have a couple of obligations I have to fulfill with this award. What? Obligations! I want something for nothing! What is this world coming too?! I thought I lived in the world of government handouts where I can simply open my hand and good old Uncle Sam will cut me a check to bail me out of all of my problems...

Hellooooo! Uncle Sam? I have a few problems here. Could you fix them for me? I've decided to kick the boot strap theory to the curb and simply wait for you to solve all of my problems. I realize you are dealing with war and other piffles, but if you could just right me one eensy weensy check I will be good to go...

Anyhoo, I'm supposed to fulfill these obligations. And since Jaime is so sweet, I'll do it. Just for her, of course. Oh, and also because I'm pretty sure this is one step closer to me reaching world fame....

Okay, from what I understand, I'm supposed to share seven interesting facts about myself, then give the award to seven interesting bloggers. Kind of like a chain letter. Only the good kind, because I'm pretty sure Jaime isn't going to be throwing any hexes on me if I don't complete the chain...

Let's begin with seven interesting facts about myself...

Thinking, thinking, thinking....

Are there any interesting facts I haven't told you about myself? Are there any facts I haven't told you about myself period? I gotta say, I'm at a loss....

Thinking, thinking, thinking...

1. OH! I have one, that my family knows, but it's possible not all 2.3 of my followers have figured out: I'm not sentimental. Nope. I cringe at every sweet, sappy email I receive that tells me how wonderful and special I am...And those prayers you pray for the person that sent it to you? Hold on to your hats, but I delete those. Not only without praying the prayers, but usually without reading them...I just give them a quick skim to make sure it's not a real prayer concern, then delete it... I don't buy sappy cards. I don't watch sappy movies. I don't read books that I know will make me cry. Granted, I have mistakenly read books that I did not realize were going to make me cry and have bawled like a baby. But, if I know it will make me cry, I usually avoid it.

2. Going with the book thing, I hate to read books that are "must reads." I also hate to read books that will "change my life." Yep, if my friends or the media tell me it's a great book and will change the way I look at my life, or some event, or whatever, I'm instantly put off. I know. I'm shallow. I want to read for sheer entertainment and escape. I don't want to be a better person, I don't want to live a better life, and I don't want to "have my best life now." That being said, I do read my Bible. I try to read it every morning (feeling pricked by the Spirit since I overslept and didn't get in my devotion, yet here I sit pounding out a blog).

3. I'm very cranky when I wake up. Very. Cranky. I am an early riser, and I like to have at least 30 minutes alone before anyone else in my family stirs. An hour is even better. To be completely honest, I am downright angry with them when they get up before I'm ready for them to be. I try to be secretive about it, but there is some definite anger there...

4. I originally wanted 6 kids. That's right, six kids. I have two, and stick a fork in me, I'm done, done, done! A big part of our decision was due to the difficulty I had with pregnancy. I was not a good pregnant person. I didn't glow. I didn't blossom...I puked. And puked. And then I puked some more. For 40 weeks straight with each kid. I puked 24 hours a day. I would wake up in the dead of night to puke....I puked all the way through labor. Literally. I puked until that baby popped out. And then I stopped. It was pretty amazing. My delivery nurse with my oldest said she had never seen anyone throw up so much in her life. Especially someone who had not even eaten...It was crazy. No, I wasn't glowing. I was dry and shriveled with cracked and bleeding lips and a raw esophagus from the continuous puking. So, that had a big impact on my decision to have more kids. When I was pregnant with Popcorn, it was all I could do to take care of Bookworm on my days off. Not to mention the quality of care I was giving my patients at work. Yes, I continued to work. I became quite adept at calmly telling my patients, "excuse me, I'll be right back," and either sprinting down the hall to puke, or in a moment of crisis, I would puke in their bathroom...Talk about awkward! The looks I would get from some of my patients! Poor things...Anyway, with that level of illness, I kept thinking that there would be an easier time to get pregnant and take care of my kids....There's more to it than that, but the illness was definitely a factor!

5. How about a quick conversation between Popcorn & I? I went in to wake her up and found her already dressed and her bed made. It turns out that when she woke up and saw the sun up she freaked out and thought we had all overslept and was afraid she'd missed the bus. I had today off, so I was driving them to school...

Me: However, that means you have time to snuggle with me for a minute!

Popcorn starts to lay down next to me, glances at the little slash of skin exposed between my flannel pj bottoms and cotton top, then quickly looks away...

Me: Are you embarrassed to see my belly?

P: No. I just noticed the pull places on your skin.

Pull places? What does she mean? I take a gander for myself....

She was talking about my stretch marks! Yes, my 8 year old is disturbed by the sight of my stretch marks...

Is that an interesting fact? I doubt it. I think everyone who had babies has stretch marks, and if you don't I don't want to know...

6. I'll revisit some old posts for number 6. I think rules are very important. I become very angry when people break rules...Unless I think the rules are stupid. Then I think they are just a suggestion. Like the speed limit. Learn all about that here.

7. And last, but certainly not least, I am a big fat mooch. You can learn about the full extent of that here.


So, there you have it. More than you ever needed to know about me...

Thanks, Jaime for the award! Now, to think of 7 bloggers who deserve to not only be awarded, but punished with a homework assignment....

1. How about a new blogger? Go check out Paulette. She's a friend from high school who is hilarious, and on an unrelated note has hair so curly mine looks straight!

2. Let's go for the Freckled Hen...She is super crafty. So I secretly hate her, since I can never ever measure up to her, but her creations are loads of fun to look at! I look at her stuff and say, "Wow, if I weren't so lazy I would totally have a mannequin to pin my wonderful creations to!"

3. I would nominate my sister, but she would totally kill me if I gave her another labor intensive "award" so I won't, but you should check her out anyway. She's funny. She's organized. She's a librarian and she's my big sister. What's not to love?

4. Then there's my niece Sarah, who is taking 20 hours of college this semester. And she has a photography business, and she is uber busy. But, she has great photos and great thoughts, and you totally need to hire her for any photos you may need taken!

5. I recently discovered the Park Wife. She is loads of fun, with bats in her house, not in her belfry, and you really should check her out!

Okay, starting to sweat here...I guess I need to branch out on my following, because I just don't know if I know enough people who know me, and even care if I nominate them....Let's see, who to give homework to...I mean give an award to...I've got to keep that straight!

6. How about Mindy, at the Suburban Life? She is the mom to an adorable girl who wears skanky mini skirts to school, and a boy who cleans up his own poopy diapers! I'm pretty sure that makes us two peas in a pod. Go check her out. You will definitely get a chuckle...

Has anyone noticed the emphasis on laughter here? I told you I'm not sentimental! Give me laughter!!!

7. Well, I'm gonna give Mom some homework. Even though her computer's broken. Even though she lives 26 miles from the nearest town, so this could be a tad inconvenient for her. She always taught me that learning to overcome obstacles is character building, and I know you're never too old to build character...So, go learn about life on the ranch from surviving blizzards to keeping wasps for pets. You're guaranteed to have fun over at the Sand Creek Ranch.


WHEW! My homework assignment is complete! Now, I'm off to do housework, as I haven't fully trained the new nanny....

But I'm working on her!

P.S. Did you remember I have another sister? She is actually a professional story teller! Don't you wish she'd get a blog and quit pretending she's too busy? Don't you wish she'd share all of her fascinating stories with you? Yeah, me too...

One Step closer to the Trophy Wife

Remember my desire to be a trophy wife? Remember that my husband is completely delusional and thinks that a trophy wife is someone who works and cooks and cleans and generally makes life more comfortable for her family? Remember that bit of insanity? Well, if you happened to forget, please go and read this post before proceeding....

Are ya done?

Good.

Well, then, without further ado, I inform with joy and singing in my heart that I am one step closer to being a trophy wife...

Now that I have a nanny!!!

Yep, I just heard the collective gasps and "Shut Ups" from all over the blogosphere (not that there is anything like an entire sphere of readers here, unless you count four as a sphere).

But I am serious!!

We now have a new "nanny." That's right, a new "nanny." The girls now ride the bus home from school where the "nanny" meets them. She gives them a snack. She then has them DO THEIR HOMEWORK. Last night she had them help her complete a poster for my work. It's doctor appreciation week, and somehow I, the noncrafter was volunteered to make a poster with the Superman logo. Only, instead of an S it had IR, and then said "Our doctors have x-ray vision...and cat scan, and ultrasound, and MRI....

Get it? I work in interventional radiology. We use radiology equipment to, well do interventions...biopsies, stents, angioplasties, whatever...Anyhoo, we thought our idea was pretty cute..

Returning to topic:

So, last night she had them eat a snack, do homework, and complete a project... and then, hold on to your panties people because this is H.U.G.E...

She had them practice piano.

I know.

Pretty stinkin' amazing...

I'm thinking of having her take over laundry and discipline! Before you know it, she'll be my very own Alice from the Brady Bunch...

If Alice were only 16....

That's right. My "nanny" is only 16. But, I'm so dad gum excited I'm skipping (not that it takes much to get me to skip, mind you, or cartwheel, which may or may not result in ripped pants...)

I had visions of sugar plums dancing in my head all day today at work...

This summer I can leave her with just a few chores a day to complete. I mean, she's going to be there anyway right? She might as well be busy. After all, my worst days at work are slow ones. I would rather run nonstop with barely a break for bathroom and food than be slow....

So, truly, I'm thinking of her. I'm just considerate that way!

Maybe I can get her roped into the whole planned menu agenda...

SHE COULD HAVE DINNER STARTED WHEN I GET HOME!!!!

*yes, that is the Hallelujah chorus you hear ringing in your ears.

Perhaps, just perhaps, if I play my cards right, she will weed my garden this summer! Nothing too serious, mind you. I'll try to keep the weeds under control on her days off so she won't have too much mess to deal with...Again, I have only her best interests at heart.

Do you think it's overstepping to give her my grocery list? I mean, you already know how complete, and easy to read my grocery list is. Remember this?

I mean, clearly, if the list is arranged in order of the store, complete with a c next to it for coupon, and the coupons also stacked in order they will be used, it's not at all a big deal to do my grocery shopping. I think it will be a great way to teach her some very important life skills. Since we use the cash system, she will quickly come to realize that you have to keep track of exactly what you've purchased, or you may overspend. She will learn about planning a menu, and understand how to make a list off of it...

Again, I'm pretty sure that by having her doing all of my grocery shopping I will, in fact, be saving her from financial struggles in her future...

I know. I know. My giving spirit is absolutely astounding.

I have shocked myself too, Gentle Reader. The sheer generosity and consideration of others I harbor in my heart is overwhelming...

Now. I'm off to work on the remaining Fruits of the Spirit, since I obviously have goodness and kindness down pat...

*Disclaimer: I may or may not have lingered at work today, resting in the knowledge that my kids would have homework done before I get there...

Shameful. I know.

Additional Disclaimer: I fear I harbor a smidgeon of resentment over the after school snack thing. I always love getting the girls home and giving them a snack while I eat a banana with peanut butter and have a cup of coffee. They sit at the bar while I stand on the other side and we chat about their day...I miss that terribly. working on that.

Paulette's Pole Dancing, Pawn Shop, and Pit Barbecue

Okay, so many of you remember that my darling Studmuffin signed me up for facebook. Many of you who know my real identity may have noticed that I'm not over there much... It's not all about me, so why bother? However, I have sent several messages to people who "friend" me, because I want to know what they're up to that doesn't involve a random, if funny statement on their wall. No. I would much rather read random, funny statements of people I do not know at all. I'm just bloggy that way...

Anyway, to make a painfully long story even longer, my friend from high school friended me. Now, this friend reminded me we hadn't seen each other since 1997. Ouch. That seems like a really long time ago. I promptly sent her a message with a brief update of all my goings on and every minute detail of my life...Because she needs to know that, right? Oh! And of course I sent her a link to my blog. I know, brave of me right? Because truly, how many of us who moved away after graduating from small towns would like all of our former classmates to realize, that yes, indeed, I am just as strange as I was then...Actually, I'm not sure my classmates realized the full extent of my oddities. I was much more self conscious then, and I tried to tamp down my urges to burst into song and dance at random moments...So anyway, it takes courage for me to admit to people that I have a blog for fear they will immediately realize that I am strange...

Not to mention the whole cricket chirping, moment of awkward silence that follows the statement, "my blog." Am I the only one who has experienced, or who fears that exact occurrence?

But returning to Paulette. She friended me on facebook. We messaged back and forth. She made me laugh. Out loud. Just like always. When I would think back on Paulette in high school, I would be chagrined to remember my laughter at her expense. Nobody wants to remember being the mean girl in school. (Confession: I think I was part of the mean girl group in 6th grade. Yes, it shames me to admit it, but I'm pretty sure that would be the crowd I fell into. Of course, I was in the same crowd throughout school. That's how it is in small towns. Fortunately, I think we grew out of the mean girlness quickly.) Anyway, I remember laughing at Paulette. A lot. She was always so crazy. You never knew what she was going to say or do next. But, inevitably, she was bound to fall. And not gracefully... Arms flying, feet flailing. She would fall. And she would laugh at herself, and of course, I would laugh. Because, really. Nothing is funnier than a good fall, right? Then, she would tell everyone about her fall, and it would be even funnier than when it actually happened...

Guess what? She told me a hilarious story. Turns out this chick has become a stand up comic, so her story telling at her expense was only practice for her hobby (outside of her real job that I don't understand and pursuit of a PhD.) I asked if I could copy it and plagiarize it as my own for my blog. Because I'm shameless that way, and I was at least halfway kidding.

Sort of.

Anyway, next thing I know, she has created a blog!

Big fat copy cat...

And, then she has the sheer nerve to tell me, that yes, I can copy her story, as long as I link it back to her blog.

WHAT?!!!

Does she not realize that I need readers? Does she not realize that I need people to think I'm hilariously clever and funny? Does she not realize that this is all about me?

Nonetheless, I looked at her blog.

And she is hilarious.

And shocking.

And, truly, you do not want to read her most recent post with your kids nearby. Remember, this warning is coming from the same gal who told you about not only how I have a scar in my belly button, but also how I came to be driving a tractor in my panties...So, really, when I mean shameless, the girl is shameless!

But still, you will want to read it.

Because you will laugh. OUT LOUD.

And your kids will want to know what you are laughing at, and you will have to be vague, and try to blow them off, because I am under the conviction that if it isn't appropriate for my kids, it's probably not appropriate for me...

But believe me...

You have got to read Paulette's blog.

Trust me.

Just do it....

WARNING: For those of you who have borne children, you may want to make a quick bathroom break. Because, seriously, you might just wet your pants.

So, without further ado, I present to you my long, lost friend Paulette. Go. Enjoy. Laugh.

P.S. I wanted to scan (read here take a picture of a picture) of the two of us to upload here. The only ones I could find were dark and too far away. Never fear, if I find one, I will share it with you.

How to Perform the Heimlech Maneuver

Did you know I've actually had to rescue Popcorn from choking 4 times?

That's right, four times...

I will spare you the details of the first three, and skip to our most recent event...

The Setting: A Mexican Restaurant
The Cast of Characters:

My Father-in-law aka Tom
Mother-in-law aka Scotty
Bookworm as herself
Popcorn as herself
Studmuffin as himself
Me as, well, myself (duh)
Waitress
Manager

Restaurant is full of diners. It is a Friday night.

Seating arrangements: We are seated at a booth. Popcorn is sitting on the outside edge with Tom next to her, and Scotty on the inside. We are, obviously, seated across, with Studmuffin on the outside, then me, then Bookworm.

Opening scene: The waitress is delivering our food. Well, actually she is delivering my food, because she forgot to put in my order when she put in everyone else's and did not realize it until she had passed out all the food, and I had nuthin'...

Waitress: Here's your food ma'am. So sorry about the delay. Is there anything else I can bring you?

Studmuffin: Well, we still need those napkins. And refills for our drinks, please?

I cast my gaze across the table, seeing if there is anything else we need... I do a double take at Popcorn.

Me: Are you choking?

Popcorn: No verbal response here, she is clutching her throat, and is a scary red...

Waitress: OH MY GOSH!!! SHE IS REALLY CHOKING!!

Studmuffin is already attempting to get up, so I can help her...However, unbeknownst to me, his feet were crossed under the table, and when he went to stand, his foot got caught on the pedestal. In my mind he is S.L.O.W.L.Y. getting up. I try to gently nudge him out of the way. He continues to piddle around, so I nudged him again...Just a little nudge mind you. Certainly not a big enough nudge to result in him flying out of the booth and collapsing onto the floor. Oh, and it might be helpful, for your visual purposes to know that he still had his arm in an immobilizer...

I climbed over the top of him, and grabbed Popcorn out of the booth. I positioned her for the first abdominal thrust...

For some strange reason, when I thrust up, my feet tried to fly out from under me...

She continued to choke...

I thrust up again, and again, my feet start sliding all over the place. I can barely maintain my balance, and yet poor Popcorn's feet are flying up behind me at the same time...

Finally, after what felt like 10 minutes, but was actually only maybe 5 thrusts, it came out...

A piece of cheese enchilada. Apparently, the reason it took so much to get out was because it would start to come out after my thrust, and then she would try to gasp for air and suck it right back down!!!

I swiftly walked her to the bathroom to try and compose both her and myself. We cried. We laughed. We hugged...

We returned to the table a few minutes later, and this is the conversation that followed.

Bookworm: Mom, you should NOT have thrown Dad on the floor like that! He could have hurt his shoulder!

Me: I didn't throw him on the floor. He fell.

Studmuffin: Nope. My foot was caught and you shoved me out of the booth and onto the floor.

Me: Oh. Well, I'm sorry, but Popcorn couldn't breathe! I had to help her! (I was a tad embarrassed at the thought of throwing my one-armed husband onto the floor in a crowded restaurant.)

Studmuffin: You should have seen yourself. You were jerking Popcorn around like a rag doll, and you kept almost falling down...

Me: Yeah. What was up with that? My feet were skidding all over the place. I think this floor must need mopped. I think it's greasy or something.

Studmuffin: You knocked a glass of water off of the table when you were grabbing her. Your feet were slipping in a puddle on the floor....

So, just in case you don't get the full picture, here it was: I would do an upward thrust. My feet would fly to the side and her feet would slip behind her and end up between my legs. Kind of like those dances where the man slides the lady between his legs, only she was facing away from me. I would drag her back to standing, reposition her, do an upward thrust, and the whole process would repeat. My feet would slide our spread eagle, and her feet would fly underneath me... In addition to this, the enchilada had actually tried to come out 3 different times, but she would suck it back in when she tried to gasp for breath. I could not see this, but the question I now have is this: Why didn't anyone grab the food after that happened the first time, so she wouldn't suck it back in...

Of course, for all I know Studmuffin hadn't been able to drag himself off of the floor yet...And my in-laws were in complete shock over the spectacle I was making of myself... And the restaurant manager was standing next to the waitress, huddled in the corner behind me. Watching the entire scene in horror...But again, this is all in my peripheral vision, and my perceptions are clouded by the sheer adrenalin that was pumping through me...

Me: So. Do you think anyone was watching us?

Studmuffin, outright laughing at me now: Babe. Seriously? All conversation and motion stopped when you started jerking our poor daughter around like a rag doll. Yes. I think it's safe to say that EVERYONE was watching.

Me: Dang................... Now. I wonder if they would heat up my food? I'm starving...

And I proceeded to eat every bite of food on my plate. And so did Popcorn. If that gal isn't a nurse in the making, I don't know what is!

The Trophy Wife

Did you know I'm a trophy wife?

Unfortunately, Studmuffin hasn't caught on. Didn't he realize that my aspirations were to grow up and be a trophy wife? I had fantasies of sitting in my lovely appointed home where I would do nothing but read books, meet with my masseuse and personal trainer and lay around and eat bon-bons...Apparently Studmuffin is unaware of this fantasy. Surely if he realized this I would not be working. Surely I would not be hauling buckets of water out my front door instead of simply lifting the drain. Surely I would not have chapped hands from washing all of our dishes by hand? Of course, my hands are also chapped from having to wash my hands so much at work....

Which brings me around once again to my point: Surely a trophy wife is not going to work 4 days a week?

Today I'm pretending I'm a trophy wife: I slept all the way until 7. Then, I watched the news IN BED until 8:30. Since then I've been wandering around the house, in my pajamas, moving clutter about, but not putting anything away, and sipping coffee. So here it is, 11:30, and I've decided I can get used to this.

My goal for today: Live off of coffee and chocolate chip cookies...

I could totally get used to this.

Side note: Do you think my family will fall in with this plan and just feed themselves, with no questions?

Yeah. Me neither.

Planning a Menu: The Explanation of How it Works...

The photos are completely unrelated to the post. I just saw them on my card and thought they were a good memory of a good time at my in-laws over Thanksgiving.

I thought I was clear, but apparently, I rambled.

And there was confusion.

And loss of focus...

Like the 30 second story I told yesterday at work that was actually a 5 minute story, but it should have been 30 seconds, and the person I was talking to stopped me and said, "Oh, is that where this is going?"

Embarrassing...(the preceding word is said in a sing-song voice. Pretend you're at a bad opera and that's the sound we're goin' for.)

But, guess what?! My coworker is not the only one who is baffled by my ramblings.

So, here's a secret, and I'll try to make it as concise as I can:

The menu is just a guideline. If you decide to cook a ham on Sunday, then by all means do it then instead of Wednesday! Nobody cares. There are no grades of pass/fail here. The point is to have food on hand to cook and have several meals in your arsenal to offer to your family.



Okay, the second thing is, family not being in the mood for what you're cooking. First of all, I cooked it. They better sit down, shut up, and be happy that I just prepared this highly nutritious meal with them in mind (barring the frozen pizzas, of course.) But, considering that may be my dream, and not reality, I try to plan things that most everyone likes. And, frankly, my kids are scared to say they "hate" what I cooked. That has resulted in being dismissed from the table and sent to bed. NO JOKE. And not by me. I know, I know, you all think it's me because I'm bossy and loud. But it wasn't me, and that's all we'll say about that.

Now, my husband has never said he's not in the mood for what I cooked. Never. Of course, I usually have it cooked before he gets here. My goal is to have the table set and dinner ready to come off the stove when he walks in the door. Don't go thinking I'm all the good wife here. I'm the hungry wife, and this hungry wife gets very cranky. I need food. Therefore, I try to feed us as soon as we get home. Lucky for me, my husband has never said he didn't want what I cooked.



That being said, he always gets a say in the menu. The whole family does. I ask everyone what they would like for dinner over the next few weeks, and I try to include everyone's requests. I also like to have the girls be in charge of a meal a week. This greatly ups the overall satisfaction in the meal.

Oliver is settling in well, as you can see. His wound doesn't seem to bother him at all, and he is becoming quite domesticated!

Okay, this has not been a succinct post. Sorry. But the point is to have the basic ingredients on hand. The fact that I know that I know that I know that I have food planned for 14 different meals gives me comfort. Kind of like planning a budget down to the penny. Yes, the budget may go up in smoke. (Like an unexpected large vet bill.) Yes, I may deviate big time from the menu. But, I still try to plan both, and I'm just weird enough to find it fun.

Planning a Menu

I recently read a poem over at Ditchin' the Kitchen. Jaime has a really fun blog where she writes poetry about her daily life, from discovering what the strange smell in her bathroom was, to reading to her son at night. Go check her out....

But, the point of this post is that her most recent poem relates to her struggle to decide what to fix for dinner. I also hate to decide what to cook in the evenings. Especially, because I'm starving and all I want to do is eat, not cook! I want to dive into a bag of chips. I want to eat spoon after spoon of peanut butter...I would prefer to snack until my appetite is completely ruined than decide what to cook when I'm already hungry. That's why I love to plan menus. I know, most people cringe at planning a menu. Many of you feel it takes too long, and makes it too strict on what you will eat. I find planning a menu liberating. It is such a relief for me to know that no matter how hectic our life will get, I have 14 meals planned to feed us.

For example, on Mondays I work a 10 hour day. Studmuffin coaches Popcorn's basketball team that same day. This means that the earliest he will be home is around 6:30. So, I got out some fish to thaw this morning. I planned for him to cook some new potatoes with this, and a salad. The potatoes are sliced, add a few pats of butter and top with parsley and garlic salt. Microwave covered until done. The fish is cooked in EVOO with greek season in a skillet on the stove. Dinner can be on the table in less than 15 minutes if you plan ahead and slice potatoes the night before.

On Tuesdays I work an 8 hour day. I pick the kids up from the sitter's, then it's off to piano, and after piano, Bookworm has basketball for an hour. Hence: We will not be home before 7pm. I planned for homemade hamburger helper for one of these nights, and spaghetti for another. Both of these meals can be on the table in about 30 minutes.

So, yes, we are eating relatively late both nights, (I am a freak about the kids being in bed, lights out by 8:30. But, then they have to be on the bus by 7:20 am) it would take longer for us to drive out of our way in our little town to grab a fast food meal, then go home than it would to just cook the meal at home.

So, that was a just a really long, rambling explanation of why I plan a menu, leading up to an example of my menu. I typically write a brief note to myself on each day of what is going on. Of course, I have the same notes in my planner, but I'm just psycho that way. I decided to post this riveting bit of info for you! Aren't you excited?

Wednesday, February 3rd:
Grocery store day, laundry day, bill pay day, church
Dinner: Tacos, Refried Beans, Mexican Rice...sides include lettuce, tomatoes, and all of the usual toppings.
*I usually cook at least 3 lb of hamburger at a time, then freeze it in one pound portions for a quick add in for chili, or hamburger helper.

Thursday, Feb 4th
Work.
Dinner: Pizza
*you will note that Thursday is ALWAYS pizza night. This began with the advent of Survivor. We used to order Papa John's, but that was when we lived in a place that actually had such a luxury, and we had money to burn...Now, I keep Chef Boyardee pizza kits, along with frozen pizzas and refrigerated pizza dough on hand. Yes, I have a wide variety of choices, just to keep it fresh.

Friday, Feb 5th
Work.
Dinner: meatballs, mac & cheese, green beans
*did you know my kids don't like green beans? Can you believe that? My brother-in-laws grandma always said that green beans give you big boobs. I have perpetuated this legend with my girls. They will eat all of their green beans, but only because they think it'll give them big boobs some day. Kind of like Popeye with spinach. Aren't I shameless?

Saturday, February 6th
basketball games
lunch: chicken & rice
dinner: dove, marinated then placed in a jalapeno half and wrapped in bacon, cooked on the grill

Sunday, February 7th.
lunch: Spaghetti, or one of those Bertollie frozen pasta meals. We love those things!
dinner: popcorn, cheese,and apples
*this is the meal we ate frequently at suppertime when we were growing up. Mom cooked a big meal for lunch, or dinner as they call the noon meal on the farm, so everyone had plenty to eat to get through the day. Then, we ate a light meal for supper.

Monday, February 8th
work, basketball
dinner: pan-seared fish (bass in this case) cooked in evoo and Greek seasoning in a skillet...okay this meal is already mentioned, but replace salad with cole slaw.

Tuesday, February 9th
work, piano, basketball
dinner: chicken quesadillas made with the extra chicken I made when I cooked chicken & rice

Wednesday, February 10
chores, chores, chores
Dinner: ham, pasta salad, steamed broccoli
*You will have leftover ham. Freeze this in 1 c portions and freeze for later.

Thursday, February 11
Work
PIZZA!!!!

Friday, February 12
Work
Parent's Night Out at church. No cooking tonight!

Saturday, February 13
lunch: hamburgers
*Try sauteing or grilling some poblano peppers and onions to top your burger with. Add some guacamole and ancho mayo and you have a real treat!
Dinner: Nachos. I will probably still have a bit of taco meat and chicken left over as topping for these.

Sunday, February 14
Lunch: EAT OUT!!! Or, if I don't feel like it, there's always ingredients on hand for chili, which I can start before we leave for church, then put in the crock pot on low until we get home from church.
Dinner: You guessed it, popcorn, cheese and apples

Monday, February 15
work, basketball
Dinner: Homemade Hamburger Helper, salad
*Check out this recipe over at Chickens in the Road. It is really good, and super easy. Plus, I have to admit I love hb helper, but had given up eating it after kids because I didn't know what was actually in it, and decided that I was obviously too grown up to still eat it. Now that I've discovered these recipes, I'm totally hooked again.

Tuesday, February 16
work, piano, basketball
Dinner: ham & noodles, salad
*I simply have to share this recipe with you. It is the ultimate in comfort food, and it is quick & easy!

Ham & Noodles
1 c cubed cooked ham (okay, I use a lot more, more like 2 cups, but just add however much you want)
1 can cream of mushroom
1/2 can milk
2 c cooked egg noodles (I recommend the frozen egg noodles. They are way better than the dry)
cubed cheddar cheese
Combine all ingredients in a casserole dish and bake 30 minutes at 375, or until it bubbles.


WHEW!!!!

That was way more information than any of you asked for, isn't it? I just wanted you to see how the menu thing works for me. I try new recipes at least twice a month. I get them out of magazines, the internet, whatever. If I like them, they go in my arsenal, if not, we move on. Also, I always keep plenty of spaghetti on hand, tortillas for quesadillas, and eggs and ham for sandwiches or omelets. I realize there aren't nearly enough vegetables listed here. I usually serve carrots at dinner. I realize that's not much variety in veggies, but my kids love them, and there's a lot to be said for that!

Anyway, plan a menu! Plan a grocery list according to the menu! Organize the list in order of the store, and before you know it, you will be every bit as psycho as me!

Don't Look at Me! I'm Hideous!

Remember Oliver? Of course you do! Who could forget such a specimen of cathood! We even gave him his own name for Wile E. Coyote from Looney Tunes: Maximus furballius felinicus (remember those crazy latin names that would pop in those cartoons? Am I the only Looney Tune fanatic around these parts?).....He's gorgeous! He's strong! He's bold! He gets Holly in trouble for his shenanigans!


He's.....


He's.....




He's.....


Ummmm.....

NAKED!!!!

Oh, good grief. Isn't it just disgraceful! Well, it's all because of this:



He hurt himself. I won't go into the details and arguments and fury I had during my visit to the vet, but the short story is this: He had a big nasty wound. It required stitches. They said they would "have to clip around the wound, and would also remove the matting he had on his belly...." Ummm, excuse me, but this is not his belly. This is his whole body. Even after I emphasized he is an outside cat (who believes himself to be an indoor and/or garage cat, depending on his whims.) However, he ran out of the house when a door wasn't closed quick enough and was shivering within minutes of being outside. So, now he's stuck inside. And yes, you will notice him bleeding in the above picture. He ripped out a stitch between the vet and here. So, now he has Vick's on it. He's leaving it alone now.



I was horrified when I saw him. Kelsey was too. You should have seen their reunion. Oliver ran up to Kelsey like she was his long lost, best friend in the world, rubbed all over her, and all Kelsey would do is sniff him and try to sidle away at the same time. It was cute. And sad. I decided to get my camera to document the reunion, but of course it was done by then. Of course he smells like the vet's office and Vicks so I really can't blame Kelsey. But Oliver was pretty traumatized by the whole experience...

"Don't look at me. I'm hideous!"

So, Lord Fluffy is not so very fluffy anymore. And, as it turns out, not nearly as huge as I thought he was going to be under all of that fur....

Redneck Moments...Sometimes they're the most creative.

Raise your hand if you know Studmuffin is creative!

Yes. That is a car battery you see in that picture. Yes. It is in my bathroom.

Yes, that is a sump pump you see in my bathtub. Yes. That is pvc pipe attached to said sump pump.

Yes. That is a garden hose attached to the pvc which is attached to the sump pump which is in turn attached to the car battery. On the floor of my bathroom. Oh, and yes. Those are buckets and a mixing bowl you see for scooping in the lower left corner. I won't be using these as much in the next few days.

No. It didn't stop raining. Well, it did. The sun is out today. And supposedly again tomorrow. Rain is returning Sunday.

Yes. That is the garden hose, which is strung from the bathroom to the front door to drain the bathtub water. All of which result in me carrying approximately 20 fewer buckets of water per day. Now that is something to celebrate!

Yes. My husband is pretty stinkin' handy to have around.

I guess I'll keep him and all his redneck ways...

A Vocabulary Lesson

Bookworm is one smart cookie. Always has been.....

Two weeks ago, Studmuffin had a friend come to help rebuild the dog house. The dog house we bought builds up condensation with their body heat, thus they get wet. The doghouse that was existing under the deck when we moved in leaks. We tried putting tar paper on it, but the Oklahoma wind blew it right back off. The existing doghouse was built very strangely and very shabbily. I fear that numerous words not fit for small ears (or big ears) may have leaked out as they were removing it.

Bookworm and Popcorn were big help. They helped hammer off old, rotted plywood, they yanked nails out. They carted off old wood and put it in the back of the pickup. They were industrious little gals, I'm telling ya...

"Well, this doghouse is so much better than the Abominable," Bookworm told us.

"Abominable? What's abominable?"

"The old doghouse! That old doghouse was so stupid it was an abominable!"

"Honey, I think the word you're looking for is abomination. If you are saying something as a noun, it's an abomination. If you are describing something it is abominable. Like the Abominable Snowman..." Okay, yes, I corrected her, but call me impressed that my 4th grader was using the word abominable in context!

Fast forward to tonight....

"Hey, Dad? Do you remember when we had to bring something living, once living, and non-living to school in first grade? Remember, I brought a bunch of rattle snake rattles and a jar of grubs?"

"Yes," her daddy replied. He should remember, he was determined to think of something to bring that nobody else would match. Oh, by the way, the jar was the non living object...

"Well, when I went to the bathroom, I came back, and my whole class was totally like, 'Guess what? Your grubs laid eggs!' I just rolled my eyes and said, 'whatever' because it wasn't eggs. It was excretory...."

We both stopped eating, chili cheese hot dogs (homemade thankyouverymuch) poised in the air and looked at each other...

Studmuffin did a long, slow blink and then said, "Do you mean excrement?"

So. Here is my question for you...How many of you could use the word abomination and excretory at 9 years old?

You know you're a bookworm when you use words in every day conversation that basically only exist in books...I can remember making a total doof of myself when I would inadvertently use words in front of my friends growing up that I thought everyone knew. All conversation would stop, then I'd feel dumb and blush and start sweating, and get giant armpit rings, and...

Well. Suffice to say it wasn't pretty.